Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Post some words of wisdom that speak to you:
This could not have come at a better time..... last night when I was having yet another night alone (as always these days) I started watching some videos on youtube about how to walk away from toxic relationships. The entire video was extremely insightful and helpful but something stood out more-so than everything else combined:
"If you're falling asleep next to somebody every night but yet you still feel alone, why not rather be alone?"
That one question changed my perspective on everything.
The same woman also spoke about how she found a journal her brother had written in the day before he died and the entry was so sad. He had been miserable in life.
My own journal for literally every day of 2017 so far is filled with 25 pages of sadness, anger, pain and confusion. I am miserable too..... and I realised last night that if I die, I don't want to nothing but a morbid journal to remember me by. I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. So you have to choose for yourself....
One day or day one.
Monday, January 23, 2017
Share something you struggle with:
I struggle with all of my insecurities right now.
I struggle to find peace in my mind and happiness in my soul.
I struggle to find myself in this dark place I have wound up in.
I have lost myself.
The confident, secure, happy, independent woman I was a year ago has vanished.
I want me back - but I can't find my way.
I don't know whether to go left or right.
I'm standing at the turning point getting whiplash from looking at two such opposite directions.
Which one do I choose?
I can't keep standing at the T-junction.
I am embarrassing myself.
I'm making a fool of myself.
I'm holding up the traffic.
I'm so torn.
I don't think I have ever been so broken.
Sunday, January 22, 2017
List 10 Songs You Are Loving Right Now:
If it isn't clear to you already - there are a lot of demons I am facing in my life right now. Music is my way of relating, expressing and understanding myself and my troubles. I won't lie - I am depressed. Almost to the extent where I feel like turning to someone for help, but I won't do that. I have fought depression alone before and I will again. I will be OK again.
People often say they are depressed. I truly don't think the majority of people who say that know what they mean. They don't.
Depression is a scary, dark place. You are alone - but you don't want company. You see food, but you can't it even when your stomach grumbles. You smile, but it hurts from how fake it. It's like your face is shattering more-so than you're spreading happiness. It doesn't feel right.
You see people and try to mask your emotions - but it is impossible. People can feel your energy. You can see them being brought down by the weight of you. You feel tiny, even if you are proportionally a big person. You feel pathetic and selfish for spending so much of your time wallowing in self-pity, but you can't help it.
You want to a better person, you try... but you fail. You are worthless and useless to yourself. You feel feel bad when your loved ones ask how you are because you cannot tell them the truth anymore. Maybe at first it was fine to share your problems and sadness with them... but after weeks or months of the same shit... you feel like they will become bored you. So you lie. You tell them you are fine. But you're not. .... and you don't think you will ever be fine again. Not really.
You are broken.
Lyrics mean everything to me. A song needs a melody to be complete - but I am not connected to many songs at all without being able to relate to the lyrics.
There is one song that happens to be without lyrics that I could listen to on repeat for hours and hours though.
Ludovico Einaudi - Nuvole Bianche
I have read books while listening to that song, I have wept while listening to that song, I felt love and hate and pain and anguish and fear all while listening to this song. It portrays all emotions to me.
It is a phenomenal piece of music, one that doesn't need lyrics to be understood.
Then we have:
Missy Higgins - Where I Stood
There is so much in the lyrics to this song that sums up how I feel right now. From the very first verse - I was connected and relating whole-heartedly.
"I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun..."
I don't know what I've done with my life recently. I don't know if the choices I made were the right ones. I don't know if I've wasted my time or damaged myself beyond repair. I don't know if I like what has happened and where I have ended up. I don't. There is so much uncertainty in my world and coursing through my soul right now.
"Something told me to run and honey you know me, it's all or none."
I felt the irresistible urge to run from my life in South Africa.... and I did. In the space of hours I changed my entire life - gave up so much and fled. I created this new life for myself...
"Cuz I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should."
I don't know who I am without my partner. I don't. I've always been a relationship person, always. I have always dedicated myself fully and tried everything and anything to make it work. I give up so much and I have sacrificed so much of my life and independence for relationships. It has lead to so much regret - and I don't want regret in my life.
I can't handle the thought of someone else with the person I love - although it is too late for that really, isn't it? He had his hands and his mind all over so many other women while with me. While living with me.
"Cuz she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood."
Someone else would love you more. They would make you happy. I can't any longer. How can you love and forgive and forget so much? Something so bad? It has broken me. You even tell me you've learned your lesson and you'd never cheat on a woman again because you see how much hurt you put me through....... and it makes me think that all I have ever been in a messenger to you. A lesson. My heart didn't matter in this situation. My heart never seems to matter in any situation though, does it???
"You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all..."
True. So true. I fucking hate that it is so true.
Of Monsters and Men - Organs
"I am sorry this is always how it goes"
"I never changed a single colour that I breathe."
"I am tired of letting it all in."
"I should not care but I don't know how."
Everything reminds me of how it all went wrong. It all does. I can't do anything or see anything anymore without being reminded. Without hurting. I can't.
"I don't want to stay in the dark."
But how do I get out of the dark?
Jake Bugg - Simple Pleasures
The chorus of this song gets me every single time.....
"How in hell can I be safe from this sudden fear of change? This sudden fear is strange...."
I've never feared change before. But I do now. It is strange. I don't feel safe. I don't feel good.... not at all.
"And maybe it's all that you've done wrong so just bite your silver tongue that you lied with... lied to yourself."
Maybe this is all happening because of my past and the things I have done that don't make me seem like the best person... I have fucked up. I have made mistakes. I have hurt others.. Maybe it's karma, karma sinking its teeth in ten times deeper....
The melody of this song in particular strikes such a sensitive chord in me. This melody is something special...
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
An angry one.... when I'm feeling anger and frustration this is my go to song.
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around, do you feel better now she falls to the ground?"
Do I need to explain this one?
"You cry alone and he swears he loves you."
Does this one need an explanation either? No... not really. The lyrics to this song speak for themselves.
"As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found."
I am not there yet. The lies are crumbling all around me, more and more every single day... I'm struggling to find the new life though. The better life. I'm still searching.
"If you wade around forever you will surely drown..."
I'm getting exhausted. I am going to drown soon.
"ONE DAY SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH!!!!"
I will. I will. I will.
Evanescence - My Immortal
"These wounds won't seem to heal, the pain is just too real. There's just so much that time cannot erase."
Wow..... just that one sentence sums up everything I feel right now. Everything I have always felt... from when I was a kid and my dad would get violent after a bottle of whiskey. From when I was twelve (?) and David destroyed my life in a way I will never be able to repair it... from when people were so not accepting of me at school and at church and when I couldn't make friends. When I was alone. When boyfriends cheated and lied and hit and hurt. When I fiddled with recreational drugs and fucked my life up for years entering into a dark world it took years more to come out from.. from everything. That sentence in My Immortal means the world to me. It is the truth of my life.
Good Charlotte - Emotionless
For once (haha) these lyrics relate to my father not my partner. My father, the only other man that managed to break me like no one else ever could, not even my partner.. the only man I love so deeply and look up to so much and consider my hero even after our horrible past as father and daughter. It took me a long time to forgive him for the violence and rage... but I did. It will always haunt me.... it will always be there.... but my dad means the world to me and this song will forever break my heart as once upon a time when that violence was still around, I'd listen to this song and I was sure it was how we would end up.
"You broke my mothers heart, you broke your children for life..."
Cold, honest truth. My family has been through so much heartache and pain. My mother and brother could forgive him so much more easily than I could - I always wondered how. I am a hard person... when you hurt me, i build a wall and it takes YEARS to break it down again. Years. I learned my lesson long ago to not forgive easily because if you do, bad shit will keep happening. Be hard. Be strong. Be alone and no one can hurt you.
"The scars run deep inside this tattooed body..."
And now I have a tattoo on my foot just for you, dad. Because I did forgive you, eventually. I have countless other tattoos too and they are all scars, really. They are all stories from problems i have overcome.... hardships i have faced.. they are reminders of how strong i can be.
"Sometimes, I'll forgive and this time I'll admit you that I miss you...."
This is so true. Even when my father or partner have done the worst to me... there is a soft part of me hidden beneath the blackness coating my heart that does miss them... that does want to forgive.
Simple Plan - Untitled
"And I can't stand the pain.. and i can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain."
The pain really is too much sometimes.
"How did this happen to me? I made my mistakes, got no where to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream."
The other night I found myself out on the streets past midnight with a suitcase packed and no where to go. No money to go anywhere with. After a year of a life in a foreign country I have nothing to show for it. Not one thing.
I am fading away. I stepped onto a scale today and I have lost almost 5kgs.... that is a lot for someone as small as I am already. I'm scared. I do want to scream. I am sick of this life, I am frustrated.
WHY is it so hard to find happiness?????
Simple Plan - Welcome to my Life
EVERY word to this song describes how I feel. Every single verse. I cannot pinpoint one particular thing, it's everything rolled into one. Rolled into a song. It was written for me, I swear it.
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what its like to be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what its like
Welcome to my life
Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending
"You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say, they tell you I'm difficult.. but so are they. But they don't know me. Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me, all the shit that you do???"
Boom, Simon. Boom. On point with the lyrics here.
I bite my tongue for so many months... feeling and almost knowing there was something wrong.... something bad. You were lying. You were cheating. You were disrespecting the fuck out of me... but whenever I asked you told me i was seeing things. You made me question my own sanity when I was right all along.
So now these lyrics are what I relate to. They are how I express myself and how I get by day by day.
Listening to these lyrics makes me feel like others have been in a dark place like me right now. It makes me feel like maybe one day I will get past it.
I will. I will. I will.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
5 Ways to Win My Heart:
- Surprises. A flower on my windshield, a dress laid out on the bed with a note telling me to be ready at 8pm, a book I've been wanting for ages, a whole day planned for us to enjoy together... it could be the simplest of things. I just want to see an effort to want to surprise me - without me needing to think or hint....
- Coffee in bed... you won't be able to speak to me in the morning without this.... be warned.
- Loyalty. Look at me and think of me as the only girl in the world in your eyes. I hate cheaters. I hate wondering eyes. It hurts. Its disrespectful. Its one way to make me close off to you in a heartbeat.
- Be proud of me... hold my hand in public. Give me cuddles. Want a picture with me if we're out and about doing something cool. Call me your girlfriend when introducing me to people.... speak highly of me... it goes such a long way to make me feel good about myself....
- Be playful. Tickle, tackle, laugh, joke, play twister and scrabble and Heads Up and just have FUN with me... do things that help us bond and connect.... there is nothing that makes me happier than laughing with the guy I love.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
List 5 places you want to visit:
I'm not counting my aforementioned fantasies of Bali as I have already been there...
No, this is a list of places I have yet to visit but one day most certainly will.
- Ireland (Sexy Irish Accents.... Can't Resist.... Yes my reasons for wanting to visit Ireland seem shallow.. they actually do stem deeper than that but I'm knackered and can't really be arsed to write much today.... so much for a writing challenge!)
- India (Yoga / Meditation / Silence Retreats, Culture, Spirituality, Self-Growth!)
- Canada (Snowboard!)
- Machu Pichu, Peru (Hike!)
- Iceland (to see the Northern Lights, Glacier Caves)
I also really want to go to a hot air balloon festival. Going in a hot air balloon is so high up on my bucket list... I'm still deciding where best to treat myself to this little excursion. Turkey, perhaps???
PS today was a good day playing in the snow in Mallorca, Spain. Adios, for now.