Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Chantelle, my co-worker, was stopped in town the other afternoon and a lady called Abigail asked her if she would ever be interested in writing for their up and coming newspaper. Chantelle laughed in their faces, "Me?! A writer?" she giggled, then she thought for a second and remembered me. "I do have a friend though, who loves writing, you should give her a call," she gave over my contact number and I waited a couple of days before an SMS arrived through on my phone, telling me that I have an interview.
At first I thought it would be a breeze, but closer to the time my heart began to thump and my hands trembled from my nerves. I suddenly realized that this could be a fundamental part of my life, giving me experience in the workforce that I hope to end up in. I realized that if I messed this interview up, I could potentially lose my dream forever.
I arrived at the interview, surrounded by crowds of other people, all applying for the same position it would seem. I had yet to learn that there were thousands of positions being offered, depending on the candidates strengths and interests.
We were sent into the interview room in bulk, all gathered around a table, trying to pull ourselves together and come forward as a confident individual perfect for their business.
As many of you know, I am one of the least racist people you could find, so I say this in the most harmless and innocent way possible: I was the only white person applying to work with these people. The only fairer skinned person I came across was the CEO of the company. This intimidated me as I wondered just how prestigious this place could be, how far it would get me; and a million other things ran through my mind that made me doubt whether I was right for this job.
The interviewers asked us many of the usual questions you would get in any normal interview... What were our strengths and weaknesses? Why do you think you would be a good person to work for us? They then added in a question that I believe we were all least expecting... How do we think the economy is South Africa is?
Again being the only white person - this question was a struggle for me, having eyes of different races melting through my skin (or at least that is what it felt like). I was always the first in the group that had to answer the questions, so I fed off of no one else's confidence and wisdom. It was petrifying, but I ploughed through and the newspaper would like me to become a freelance journalist with them.
I need to hand in a piece of writing, showing my writing potential, by Thursday. They said that it could be based on anything. A make-believe article, a story, anything... I doubt that they would be interested in my little romance novels I have stored on my PC.
What do you write to impress a newspaper that has given you no lead on the sort of thing they are interested in reading from you?
I have reached a plateau in my writing. Better put... I am stumped.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Nothing ever blossomed between me and the cute waiter who I so boldly gave my number to. He's a nice guy, but as it turned out, we just didn't connect. Not in the way that Michael and I did anyway. With Michael, every moment is perfect. We fit into each others arms so amazingly. There was never an uncomfortable moment, never the slightest bit of awkwardness.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I've realized now that guys aren't going to respect you if you just give it all up on the first night, and I'm not that sort of girl. I really respect him for not trying to go further too. It really surprised me and made me feel so good about myself.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Wow... Yet again I have neglected my blog; become careless and forgotten how much writing means to me... Guess its time to finally free my fingers and let them flow over the keyboard.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Made a sale at work yesterday! So that is a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders! Was really starting to stress, so at least I'm feeling a little better now! Still have a lot more to improve on though! Although this job is a lot of fun and I enjoy it, its still very tough. Way tougher than my months in the video store and art gallery.
Had a very busy day so far! Work started at 6am, luckily I just finished for the day because I do the weekend shift tomorrow. Got to be back at work at 5pm though because we're holding a cheese and wine social evening. Free wine and cheese? I'm not complaining!!!
At 8pm when the social is over, we have to clean up, then I'm off to Chantelle's house warming party. She's just moved into her own place. I'm jealous!
I bought her a really pretty duvet and pillow set as a house warming gift, which she loves.My boss, Brendon, has a whole group of friends coming down from PE so its going to be a BIG night!
May decide to go out for a couple of drinks with everyone after the party. I haven't been out in ages, think its time to let loose :)
Kitten is saying its love time, so I best be off!!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Turns out there will be no formal funeral. My grandfather is going to be cremated, and transported down to Knysna with my Aunt and Uncle when they decide to come for some of the Oyster Festival. Once my grandfathers ashes have arrived, we will have a little gathering in the garden of my parents house, say our goodbyes and a few words. There onwards, my dad and his brothers will set off to scatter his ashes at the most appropriate spot.
I was hoping to get away from Knysna for a while to clear my head, but looks as though I'm stuck here for now.
Although I have teared up a few times around some of my closest friends, it still hasn't hit me that he's not alive.
I feel so stupid and vulnerable when people ask if I'm OK when they see that I'm not my usual smiley self, I try to say I'm fine, but I must be a bad liar. They see straight through it. My manager, Ansu, an amazingly sweet person, is the one that has probably seen me tear up the most. I try to walk away and hide it, but she makes it so easy to open up.
I don't understand why this is such an emotional thing. I know he was family, but I was never like this when my other Grandad passed away just under 3 years ago. I think the emotions from his death are also finally unleashing themselves, so its rather like a tsunami hit me than anything else.
I need to cheer up though, and get over it. Its time to move on. Being sad isn't going to change anything. Being sad is just going to waste time that I can't ever get back. He wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. So I think I need to respect his wishes, as much as it hurts.
Its going to be a pretty stressful week I think. Another reason I was quite keen to remove myself from this small town of conformity is because on Wednesday, work has a very important person coming in from oversea's to test me and the other Curves trainer's individually on our progress. She is going to test us on the muslces in our bodies and what muscles each machine works. She's also going to test us on our sales presentation, our phone scripts and a whole lot more. Got to be on top form! So I think its time to push aside all emotional baggage, crack open my study books and re-insert all of this information! I think I'll do alright, its just nerve wrecking knowing that she's so superior.
Before I do anything else though, there is one thing I need to get out the way before I can fully move on.
I'm taking a couple of hours out of this already miserable day to open up my old baby album to remember my late grandfathers' at their healthiest and strongest points. That is how I want to remember them. I want to look at the smiles on their faces from those 19 year old photographs
and smile back... then, I'm going to do the hardest part. I'm going to get the necklace my Grandad gave me when I was born (the one I can't bare to look at right now),
and put it around my neck. I'm going to keep it there for as long as I need to. Whenever I feel sad, I'm going to try and look at it and remember that he's no longer suffering.
He's happier now.
I'm sure I'll have more than one weakened, breaking moment, but that's expected.
I miss them both so much. I'll never be able to tell either of them that, but I know that they know I do.
The last couple of days have been an emotional roller-coaster, I've not dealt with it well (or at all really...)
The only time I've truly let myself go is when I got sent home from work to relax, and I took a moody walk down the train tracks to clear my head. I think I should go there more often. It seemed to help. There's something comforting about it there. Its dead silent, with gorgeous scenery near the lagoon edge and there's no worry about trains coming by as its been broken for years. Perfect place to go to when I need some alone time.
I know this feeling won't last forever, I know one day soon I will smile and mean it. Its just a matter of time.
I know I'm in denial. I know its not good for me. I know he's gone. I know I'll never be able to tell him I love him again. I can't even remember the last time I did.... I know I'll never get to see him again. But somehow, he's not dead. He can't be!
I have no grandfathers left...
This entry is a waste of time. I am just writing down exactly whats clogging up my heart.
Why do people always leave?
I am trying so hard to be strong, to lock it all up inside. I can't be alone. I can't see his picture. I can't look at the necklace he bought me when I was a new born.
We weren't amazingly close, but he was still a part of me. A part of me that is gone now.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My Grandfather went into a coma a few minutes ago, and it hit me so hard in the pit of my stomach that this really could be the end....
I've been expecting it for so long, but now that it might finally be here, I don't think I could have ever prepared for this feeling.
The feeling is indescribable. My stomach feels light and empty, my eyes keep fighting back tears, I keep gasping in gulps of air, trying to prepare myself to hear the news.
I could never have been ready for this moment. Ever.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
My life has made quite a large turn.
The open door I could not find in April, found me. I was skimming through the Action Ads one day when I saw an amazing job opporunity to be a trainee manager and fitness promoter at Curves. I applied straight away, got an interview and shortly after, the owners rang me up and told me I got the job!
So things have been seriously busy lately.
The hours are tough, early starts and late finishes but its worth it. I can honestly say I love my job. I'm around women all day, and the majority of them are friendly and talkative once you get to know them.
I have great a great co-worker and an amazing manager and bosses'.
One other thing.
Lydon and I split up.
It wasn't entirely a mutual decision. I broke things off because the passion dissappeared. It became like best friends, which when I say to people, they tell me that is how it is supposed to be.
Yes, we were best friends for over two and a half years... but there was no passion anymore. I love that guy so much and he knows it. It is up to him, but I would still love it if we could be in each others lives and not throw away two and a half years.
Maybe one day in the future things will change. Maybe all we need is some time apart. Who knows.
It would be no fun if you knew what was going to happen in the future. So I am enjoying the mystery.
Things are changing and I have no clue what the future has in store for me. Its much better than living each day knowing what is going to take place and where I'll be.
As I write this I am quite hungover.
My co-worker, boss and I all went out for All You Can Eat Sushi last night, and my boss introduced my co-worker and I to an extremely potent and evil drink called Sake.
Just thinking of it makes me shudder!
Up early, its only 6am and I'm already at work - I kinda like these early starts though. I don't waste a day in bed when I could be up early, watching the beautiful sunrises out of works windows while I train women in gym.
In other news. My grandpa is still holding on! Its a miracle really. He was so close to the end. His spleen burst the other day and he ended up back in hospital but he recovered fairly quickly. I still haven't gone to see him. I'm too scared. This is when I need a boyfriend to support me the most and give me advice. It makes me so confused because when my Grandpa Leonard passed away all I regretted was not spending more time with him because him and I were so alike. So I just know I'm going to regret not spending time with my Grandpa Jack. But the thought of seeing him so lifeless scares me..... I just need a guy to hold me close and tell me it will all be OK.
OFF the emo topics!!!!!
Umm.... OK I think that's actually pretty much everything that has happened since my last entry!
Someone's here for training so I best be off!
Enjoy your weekend bloggers!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I seemed to have the perfect life...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A lot of things have been going on in the last couple of days...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I haven’t written in such a long time – it pains me inside, as writing was once the one thing that saved my life, the one friend that I could rely on. Now it seems that I have turned my back to it, leaving it on the outskirts of my life. I guess I’m feeling euphoric these days, and have no need for its companionship anymore. It is not that I do not wish to write any longer, I would love to; but there has been no inspiration, no overly emotional experiences to set me off on one of my writing rampages. Even now – I find myself dissatisfied with this work, and the temptation to just highlight it all and press ‘backspace’ is so strong.
It’s almost as if I have been sleeping for decades and suddenly I get that vertiginous falling sensation and wake with a start... Realising how long it has actually been since I have set time aside for my life passion and dream. The writer’s block that I am suffering through right now, and have been for the last two or three years, is making future prospects seem dim. It isn’t often anymore that I can relish an evening in, pouring my heart and soul out onto pen and paper.
The feeling of overcoming this writers’ block and defeating its power is so sublime; I wish I was strong enough. Alas, it has built a wall around my interior, barricading off all inspiration that I once let in like the ocean current.
Writers’ block is the most frustrating and overpowering sensation that I have ever felt. I feel as though my life is not my own, as though it is not me behind the wheel. I feel caged in and destroyed; as though my hands are tightly tied behind my back and my mouth has been cello taped shut for eternity. It feels as though all hope is lost, as though the life has been sucked out of me and as though I am bone dry and lifeless on the inside. It feels as though my soul is dying.
Let me get over this writer’s block. Let me feel alive again. I beg of you.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
That’s what we used to call each other, Rachel and I; ‘mong’s.’
It is a British slang word, meaning ‘retard.’ A few years back when Rachel and I were inseparable, nobody could have stopped us in our paths for anything that we did. We were so free-spirited and worry-free. We hadn’t a care in the world about what other people thought of us, and we were happy above all else.
Having not spent much time together over the recent years, we finally set a day together to be ourselves...
9:15am – I drove my white Honda Jazz over to her place, picked her up and drove us to the Face to Face Makeup Design School in Knysna while listening to my new Nickelback CD. We had volunteered to be models for the makeup artist students to work on for the morning.
(I managed to convince Rachel to begin studying at the design school with me for the next couple of months, to gain an international degree) – The makeup students are already excellent, yet they have only been studying for three and a half weeks. An old friend that I competed against in the Miss Pearl Beauty Pageant in 2009 was one of the new students which was a nice surprise and it was nice to catch up with her as well.
12:01pm – Having completed four sets of different eye makeup techniques on us, the teacher gave me a full makeover so that I could go to work looking my best. I took Rachel with me until her dad came to fetch her, and while waiting for him, she had ran across to the evil restaurant, ‘Il De Pain’, to fetch me a humungous pizza slice and a healthy looking yet mouth watering sandwich for herself. Somehow, (I don’t know how exactly...) Rachel and I always manage to make fools of ourselves, and today, standing outside my shop munching on our lunch was no different! I take an unnecessarily large bite out of my pizza, ravenous after skipping breakfast this morning. Off with my bite falls ALL the top layer of my pizza, the layer of cheese and sweet tomato’s dangling from my mouth. I hear Rachel’s giggle start up, slowly turning into a full on laugh, which set me off as well as I try my best to stuff the best part of the pizza into my mouth at once.
12:34pm – Once gone, I retreated back inside the shop to keep warm. We had arranged to meet up at 17:30pm again, once she was done with her History A-Level homework and after I’d had a chance to relax after work. Tonight’s plan that we had concocted involved, ‘Mr Darcy (and all of his brilliance!), copious amounts of wine and a much needed sushi binge. Excited to get my next three and a half hours of work over with, I waited impatiently for my boss to visit the shop one more time, because as soon as I was sure that he was on his way back to Plett, I could begin slacking off and watching movies on my laptop during the quiet / boring parts of the day. The store sometimes goes an hour or two with no one coming in, not even to browse, so it is good to have something to keep me busy instead of boring myself to death.14:14pm – Boss still hadn’t arrived back and so I dug Audrey Niffenegger’s novel, ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife,’ out of my black and white Audrey Hepburn bag, attempting to read it; although my mother had told me that even she had found it a difficult read. I knew it was too risky to put on the Family Guy movie. Even if I did pause it before my boss walked in, the look on my face would condemn me.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My nights seem restless, uneven; due to my crepuscular kitten.