Saturday, July 3, 2010

Opening up

I thought the plans after my grandfathers death would be to travel up to Cape Town after the weekend for a funeral.
Turns out there will be no formal funeral. My grandfather is going to be cremated, and transported down to Knysna with my Aunt and Uncle when they decide to come for some of the Oyster Festival. Once my grandfathers ashes have arrived, we will have a little gathering in the garden of my parents house, say our goodbyes and a few words. There onwards, my dad and his brothers will set off to scatter his ashes at the most appropriate spot.

I was hoping to get away from Knysna for a while to clear my head, but looks as though I'm stuck here for now.
Although I have teared up a few times around some of my closest friends, it still hasn't hit me that he's not alive.
I feel so stupid and vulnerable when people ask if I'm OK when they see that I'm not my usual smiley self, I try to say I'm fine, but I must be a bad liar. They see straight through it. My manager, Ansu, an amazingly sweet person, is the one that has probably seen me tear up the most. I try to walk away and hide it, but she makes it so easy to open up.
I don't understand why this is such an emotional thing. I know he was family, but I was never like this when my other Grandad passed away just under 3 years ago. I think the emotions from his death are also finally unleashing themselves, so its rather like a tsunami hit me than anything else.

I need to cheer up though, and get over it. Its time to move on. Being sad isn't going to change anything. Being sad is just going to waste time that I can't ever get back. He wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. So I think I need to respect his wishes, as much as it hurts.

Its going to be a pretty stressful week I think. Another reason I was quite keen to remove myself from this small town of conformity is because on Wednesday, work has a very important person coming in from oversea's to test me and the other Curves trainer's individually on our progress. She is going to test us on the muslces in our bodies and what muscles each machine works. She's also going to test us on our sales presentation, our phone scripts and a whole lot more. Got to be on top form! So I think its time to push aside all emotional baggage, crack open my study books and re-insert all of this information! I think I'll do alright, its just nerve wrecking knowing that she's so superior.

Before I do anything else though, there is one thing I need to get out the way before I can fully move on.
I'm taking a couple of hours out of this already miserable day to open up my old baby album to remember my late grandfathers' at their healthiest and strongest points. That is how I want to remember them. I want to look at the smiles on their faces from those 19 year old photographs
and smile back... then, I'm going to do the hardest part. I'm going to get the necklace my Grandad gave me when I was born (the one I can't bare to look at right now),
and put it around my neck. I'm going to keep it there for as long as I need to. Whenever I feel sad, I'm going to try and look at it and remember that he's no longer suffering.
He's happier now.
I'm sure I'll have more than one weakened, breaking moment, but that's expected.

I miss them both so much. I'll never be able to tell either of them that, but I know that they know I do.

The last couple of days have been an emotional roller-coaster, I've not dealt with it well (or at all really...)
The only time I've truly let myself go is when I got sent home from work to relax, and I took a moody walk down the train tracks to clear my head. I think I should go there more often. It seemed to help. There's something comforting about it there. Its dead silent, with gorgeous scenery near the lagoon edge and there's no worry about trains coming by as its been broken for years. Perfect place to go to when I need some alone time.

I know this feeling won't last forever, I know one day soon I will smile and mean it. Its just a matter of time.

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Jade