Thursday, March 17, 2011

Don't punish me for being happy.

So far March has been a busy month. There have been many tears shed, hearts hurt and overwhelming confusion.

Funie and I drew things to a close on the third of March, it was a Thursday night and I'd told him to meet me at Cafe Mario's because we needed to talk about why our relationship had suddenly turned so differently to how it had been in the beginning. I am not going to go into great detail about the words we exchanged over dinner that night but what I can say is that he agreed with them and after realizing that neither of us could carry on in the situation, we shared a nice dinner and made the mature decision to keep the friendship.

At first it was strange sleeping alone again, considering that we had practically begun living together over the last two months. I'd wake up at 3am after tossing and turning restlessly and not be able to fall back asleep - but eventually having some 'me' time again, it was starting to become more enjoyable.

My first Friday of being single was definitely a whirlwind. Both Funie and Michael were at Oyster Catcher in the same group as I was, where we were all conversing over drinks. There had been someone that gave me butterflies every time I saw him for a while now and he was also at Oyster Catcher. I don't know why I felt something so strong between this guy, it was as though a jolt of electricity was shocked through me every time I saw him. I didn't act on my feelings yet though because I knew it was far too soon.

A few more days past and I was getting fidgety, all I wanted was to be with this guy. The thing that made everything worse was that on the Saturday, after the Oyster Catcher, I decided to finally quit smoking. I had been wanting to quit for a very long time but after finding out my dog could possibly have cancer of the throat, after a very close friend of mine passed away due to cancer on the 2nd of February and after my grandfather also passed away from cancer - I finally had my wakeup call. I can't deny that it was also much easier to make this decision while being single, as every one of my boyfriends have been smokers. Luckily for me, the guy that was now taking up every thought in my head, is not a smoker.
Another thing that I decided to quit was waitressing at East Heads Cafe. It was taking up all of my time, time lost that I could have spent writing my book. Right now I would rather be broke as hell and dedicating every second to my book than somewhere that doesn't really even appreciate me.

I started to get lonely and went out by myself for a night of drinking. I thought it would be quiet but the bar I went to had some big birthday party going on with a whole crowd that I knew. I was gladly welcomed to join in the party and got extraordinarily pissed to put it lightly. The loneliness and alcohol was a terrible combination and somehow I found myself sitting on the beach on Leisure Island in the pouring rain, ALONE, sobbing my heart out.
The very next night, the guy that I'd been dreaming of for days now, finally made his move. It was thundering and raining heavily and we could do nothing but hold each other closely, finally content. His name is Shaun and he is such a sweet and caring guy. There are so many sides to him and things to learn. He's both a scuba diver and a great cook, he's an animal lover and enjoys most things outdoors...... I went to a farm out in Hakerville with him for a weekend and he cooked all of the amazing food. It was great having a weekend away from Knysna and away from all of the chaos.
On the Monday night we went out to celebrate a friend's 25th birthday and sometime throughout the night he told me over a drink that he had been thinking about changing his status on facebook to what it should be. I got the biggest wave of butterflies rushing through my stomach after that and I smiled at him, truly happy...

Once our relationship was made public, obviously people started to talk. I got people commenting on how fast it was and so on. It was fast and I know this, but when you find something that
makes you as happy as Shaun makes me, you need to seize the moment or you might lose your chance forever.......
I never wanted to hurt anyone in the process, but it was pretty much inevitable that some people would get hurt no matter how we handled things.
All I can say to those hurt is that I really am truly and deeply sorry
and no hurt was intentional.
For a while, I felt like an absolute jerk and hated myself for hurting people but eventually I had to let it go.
I'm hoping that one day, those hurt can understand, there was no cheating or shoving it in anyone's faces, I tried so hard to make everything OK and apologized profusely for days on end but it wasn't enough to get them to forgive me for what I did.
I handled the situation in the best possible way that I could and I lost someone that could have been a great friend in the process but the spark I feel between Shaun and I was something I had to pursue regardless of the consequences and even though I am sad to lose someone from my life, I am happy that I pursued it.

Peace and love


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