Thursday, March 1, 2012

Saying Goodbye

Saying, 'Goodbye,' to your best friend is always next to impossible.

For those of you that know me and read my blog regularly, there is no need to explain who Michael is and what a huge role he has played in my life over the past few years.

He recently informed me that he is leaving South Africa and heading off to Bali to an ashram, where he will be volunteering and really doing something exciting with his life.

It all happened so fast, much like my living situation.
One day he was here and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he always would.
Next day, I get a text from his Indonesian number telling me he'd arrived safely and surfed into the night.

I said my goodbyes to Michael a few nights ago. It didn't seem real, it still doesn't.
It feels like if I fancy ringing him up and inviting him for dinner or coffee, he'll be there.

I can't believe he's gone.

In a way, Michael was my rock. We didn't see each other all that much but the feeling during the time that we did spend together was like we had never been apart.

We always seemed to kick off from where we left off.

There were always things to be said.
There were always smiles to brighten up each others days and tears of our sorrows and our joys combined.
We were always there for one another.

We always had adventures and met new people.
We always did something new and I would always cherish my moments with him, holding onto them dearly and wishing they would never end.

Now it will be two and a half years until our paths cross again - but I know we are strong enough to stay connected during our time apart.
Two and a half years seems like nothing compared what we have already been through.

We've promised to write each other handwritten letters once a month - no body ever does that anymore.
Nobody ever gets wined and dined.. people nowadays get drunk at a bar and go home together. One of the things that Mike and I have in common is the faith that things don't always have to be that way.

We've also promised to call, especially on the 6th of August, on the anniversary that our beautiful friendship began.
Our friendship started off very rocky - but somehow we managed to breakthrough the drama and blackness and find our way to where we are today.

A beautiful book written by David Nichol has always reminded me of us, it is entitled, 'One Day.' The film is a complete waste of your time though... please read the book instead! A) The directors had to try and fit twenty years into a film-length production, which isn't possible if you want to really show the emotions explained in the novel!! and B) Books are always better than films. Enough said.

Saying goodbye was easier than I thought it would be - because it didn't feel real.
I even got all dramatic and played a CD with a playlist of all the songs we sung along to on our way to the Transkei in December of 2010.
Yet I found myself tearing up because I felt it was what I should be doing.

My emotions and body were confused - I was so heartbroken that tears didn't seem worthy of my sadness.
I was heartbroken, but dazed...

Along my drive after we parted ways all of the best memories I have of us together flashed through my mind one after the other, like a beautiful slideshow.

Only when I curled into bed that night did the emotions flow out of me.
I cried myself to sleep that night.

I don't know why it is that I struggle to show my emotions in front of people, even him.
I have an awful concrete wall surrounding my heart and letting people in is the scariest thing in the world to me.

Though something Michael taught me is that the wall you build around yourself to keep out the pain, also keeps out the joy.

I finally opened up to Michael that night and showed him my worst character flaw, something he never knew about me.
I showed him the one thing about myself that shows I am not as strong as I portray myself to be... and he accepted it; just like he accepts everyone for who they are.
All he and everyone else in this world wants is honestly.
It was absolutely beautiful to be able to really show him every side to me and still feel the love he has for me.
Nothing changed.
He didn't think of me differently.
If anything - it only made us stronger.

He accepts all of me.
He accepts the world as it is: the ugly, beautiful, chaotic truth.

If you could just spend a day listening to his wise words, your life would change.

He may not realize what an impact he has on so many people, but something about his patience, his voice and words, his soul... its phenomenal.

Everyone in his life is so lucky t0 have him and if you're reading this and you thought of someone else in your life that reminded you of them during these words, then you are lucky too.

People like that don't come around often.
So appreciate, respect, admire and listen to that person.

Michael is so open-minded and caring - yes sometimes he can be unreliable and full of crap but everyone is in their own way, and he knows this about himself.
I'm needy and naggy and full of crap too... we all have something about us that makes us imperfect.

Only if you let someone in completely will the unreliability of yourself, the neediness, the crap be gone.

Once you truly trust someone, everything else just falls away.

But trust is a hard thing to
gain and I wouldn't advise you to let everyone in because everybody is going to hurt you at some stage... you just have to find the ones worth suffering for.

When I was driving that night, two beautiful, large grey owls swooped past my car. One even perched itself on the roadside and stared at me inquisitively and I can't help but think that it means something.. especially on such an emotional night for me.

I just want to wish my amazing friend an absolutely incredible journey.
I'll love you forever and think of you every moment.

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your
face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand." Irish Blessing

1 comment:

  1. As I read your story I did find myself drifting in thoughts and memories of a bunch of my friends that are in my life and that have left. I could feel and relate to what has happened to you. Your story brought back a rush of emotions. Thank you for sharing.


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