Saturday, April 14, 2012

Writing, real writing, should leave a small sweet bruise somewhere on the writer ... and on the reader.

I am one of those people who is always looking for acceptance from those around me.
Even my blog posts are not entirely one hundred per cent honest – but today it will be.

In school, I had a lot of problems with ‘fitting in.’
I was shy and withdrawn with absolutely no social skills. I was ugly and stupid and despised myself with all of my being.
In a nutshell, I was the kid who hid in the shadows at the back of the classroom, skinny and pale, clutching helplessly onto a Harry Potter book and dodging the bullies who usually ended up dumping me into the school dustbins over break.

How I was then to how I am now is an almost impossible transformation.

Now I am comfortable to join in circles of chatter and meet people out for drinks, I dance (badly,) and feel somewhat important. I am not afraid to meet new people though admittedly it does take a while for me to come out of my shell.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and a small, close circle of friends that I don’t see as often as I would like, but I am so appreciative of every single one of them.
I also have a larger group of friends… At least I think I’d call them that. I’d like to think that they are more than just acquaintance’s.
With a past like mine, it has made me very nervous around new people. I over analyse nearly every situation I get put into and yes, I do think I suffer a bit with social awkwardness.
I get nervous and either talk too much, talk too little or just cling onto the one person I truly know won’t judge me, Shaun. The main thing is though, that I try. I try to fit in, something that I never did when I was younger.
Compared to way back when, my confidence has skyrocketed and I am not afraid to admit that I am proud of myself.

But obviously some days are better than others and lately my confidence has taken yet another beating.

I try to invite these people that I would like to be able to call friends, out or to my little get-togethers. I try to make an effort but in the year and a month that I have been with Shaun these people haven’t made the same effort and me being me, I need to feel that acceptance. Who really wants to be in a relationship with someone where you feel like the majority of his / her friends don’t really like you? It doesn’t change how I feel about him, but it’s not a nice feeling either.
Maybe I am over-reacting, maybe not.
But I constantly invite these people out or to dinner parties or just make a comment about meeting up for coffee sometime. They either never respond, never pitch up or say maybe…. Like they are waiting for some better plan to come up so they have an excuse.

I always see all these awesome photographs and albums all over Facebook of fun days out with all of my boyfriend’s friends, but we were left in the darkness.

I have reached the breaking point.

I am so insulted now and am honestly done trying.

Screw acceptance and screw the people that don’t like me.

This is me, like it or lump it.

So this is the truth; this is what I have been holding in for so long. Laugh at this if you want to, but just know that for the first time I am no longer ashamed of being the girl that no one seems to like. I am no longer afraid to show that yes, apparently no one likes and isn’t ‘popular.’ I no longer care.

I always wanted people to think that I was part of the ‘cool’ crowd, but honestly, I never was. I probably never will be.

This is me.

The friends I have that have accepted me and love me are the friends I need and want in my life. I love each and every one of them so dearly and truly appreciate them.

It is one of the best feelings in the world to know that I have friends that don’t ‘want’ anything from me besides a pair of ears, a shoulder to cry on when needed, a voice to give my opinion and my advice and just a heart to love them with.
They are the world’s most beautiful souls.

As for the rest of them, I’m done trying to kiss your asses.

I’m done.

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