Traveler. Novelist. Freelance Writer. Blogger. Surfer. Artist. Crazy Cat Lady.

Traveler. Novelist. Freelance Writer. Blogger. Surfer. Artist. Crazy Cat Lady.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Remembrance

It's weird how things change... how in just one measly year your entire life has become what you least expected it to be. Lately I've been thinking about how different my life is now compared to last year this time. 

This was me back in October 2011:


On Monday this week I went back to do the same hike:


To you, you might not be able to see the world of change or feel it... but take a recent photo of yourself and compare it to one you took a couple of years back and I swear it's one of the weirdest feelings I've ever had. 

2011:

2013:


In my soul, I always have been and always will be a free loving surfer girl. I'll always be a free-spirit for a passion for adventure and new things. 

But back to the point.... 

This time last year things couldn't be more different to now. 

2013... I now reside back with my parents. Don't know how long that it going to last!! 
I also work at an arts gallery whereas last year I was up at the spa. 
I have travelled Europe and been to Tanzania now - whereas last year my DREAM was to just walk through Rome. Now I've done so much its incredible. 
What else? There's so much and I'm running out of time. My lunch break is nearly over. 

In September 2012 I had recently moved into a cottage with my ex boyfriend of almost three years. I'd just adopted two beautiful little kittens, India and Guru. When my relationship turned sour I fell hopelessly and irrevocably in love with someone. I truly thought he would be the love of my life... there was just one major hiccup. We couldn't be together and in his eyes we never could... because little did I know when we met and he stole my heart, he was married. 
Anyway.... since then, it has been a huge battle for me to open up my heart again. It is so hard to let people in and become vulnerable. 

That is twice... maybe three times that I have been seriously hurt in love. 
The first was a stupid internet boyfriend thing... he went to school with my cousin overseas so it's not like he could have been some forty-year-old plumber was God-Knows-Where... I knew he existed. Back in those days we'd MSN chat and email back and forth day after day for about three years. I used to believe I loved him but that changed... 
My good friend Michael was next. We're still good friends to this day but we also had a Romeo and Juliet type of story. I adored him... with my heart and soul I knew he was the one I wanted to end up with. BUT (there's always a but isn't there???), I had dated his brother in law when I was 16 years old and when my ex found out about us he freaked out. He told Michael that if he continued to see me he would be disowned as family. 
Me being me, I told Michael to choose family. As much as it hurt, I knew it was the right thing to do.  
Now, Michael has a beautiful foreign girlfriend and they are about to have a baby. 
After Michael there was Eddie. Eddie was married man. The one that has pretty much annihilated my heart and has made it pretty much the scariest thing in the world to love again. 

How do you know you love someone? 
I don't know... there are some people I should be able to say I was in love with after years of dating them.... but my heart now knows what love truly is and what I felt for those three just doesn't compare to what I've felt for anyone else. 

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't blog about current / future boyfriends. I don't want to not be able to look back in my blogs history because I'm not ready to remember relationships I've written about. It's private anyway. So I try not to type things out that are happening in my life right now. Instead I write out the past... a journal of remembrance. I don't think before I write these things out. I just let my fingertips hit the keyboard and it pours. I don't really expect many people to read posts such as these... these are pretty personal and long... 

But if you do have a moment - define love for me. In your own words. Tell me what you think it is. Tell me about your heartbreaks and how you overcame them. My heart is battered and bruised and it really shouldn't be now. It's been a year since that heartbreak and it needs to go away now. I want to move on. 

2012:

2013:


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16 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks so much Lisa! Have seriously missed blogging because I missed reading your posts!! hahaxxxxx

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  2. Your outfit always look so amazing, really love your style. x

    http://birdiethgirl.blogspot.com

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  3. Nice Blog :)

    Wanna follow each other on GFC, Bloglovin, Facebook or Twitter???

    Just let me know and I will make sure to follow ya back
    xoxo

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  4. It's in the most difficult situations we can learn and grow. Just take your time and the right person will come along. Just keep doing what you are doing! xoxo <3<3

    http://dixielu302.blogspot.com

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  5. Jade, reading this broke my heart, I'm sending you a big virtual hug.

    I also don't really share too much personal stuff on my blog, so I understand your hesitation. I don't know how to define love, but I know what it feels like, it feels unconditional at every level, it's warm and comfy, and everything else in the world is secondary. It feels like your heart has found its mate.

    I have also had my heart broken, I was married and happy, but he got involved with his assistant, who was also my friend. I have never felt so much rage and heart ache at the same time, I didn't even recognize myself. It took me a year to get to a better place and as soon as I was feeling great, I unexpectedly met my boyfriend and my heart's mate. It's been 4 years now and it keeps getting better and stronger.

    I do understand what you are feeling, I had come to the conclusion that I would never open up my heart to anyone, but life through me a curve ball and I'm glad I was smart enough to recognize that the man standing before me was rare and a special gift. Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to enjoy the sweet I guess.

    I know your heart's mate is out there, trust me it was none of these guys in the past, they were all pit stops along your journey. Love happens unexpectedly, but when it's right, you will know without a doubt and the past will all make perfect sense.

    Much love,
    Sil

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    Replies
    1. Wow - thank you so so so much for such an amazing comment. Wow <3

      Congratulations for overcoming your pain and heartbreak - inspiring words that have really helped me xxx

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  6. With every passing year our lives changes .. I have myself seen this change.. Comparing old and new pics is a very good way to notice out change..
    U look pretty in all the pics, loved the pic of you on pyjamas..
    Keep in touch,
    www.beingbeautifulandpretty.com
    http://instagram.com/beingbeautifulpooja

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  7. wow!!! time really flies fast and a lot of things can happen within a short span of time. i think whatever ups or downs you go thru, what's important is you gain experience and learn something from them! :D great honest post! i really appreciate that..

    Animated Confessions

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    Replies
    1. thanks love really nice hearing from you xxxx

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  8. Oh man, I have SO MUCH to say to all of this...
    I love that you put up comparison pictures from last year to this year. If I did that.. it would be me.. early, early in my pregnancy.. and me today, with my 6 month old girl- enjoying the hell out of her!
    I had a feeling that you played guitar.. Me too! But, to be honest.. very casually. My hubby is an incredible (SUUUUPER modest) guitar player/singer. He is so good, I sometimes wish he'd show it off more so that I could brag more!! We are currently practicing "I'm Just A Fool" by Blake Shelton and Christina Aguilera. ( Less country, and less diva, of course..!) We just started singing together.. and I will play the dumbed down version of the song.. he plays the cool, hard parts!
    I'm going to have to write you a private message about LOVE.. because.. I have a lot to say. It might take me a day or two to find a minute to write it.. but I'll do it.

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  9. Ah geez I don't want to bore you LOL. I've been unlucky too and had mine broken countless times. I loved the MSN chatting thing! Hahaha OMG I remember those days of 'ASL' and such. I don't really have much to say only what I've learned and that is that I REFUSE to ever lower my standards (not that they are unbelievably high or anything) or settle because I don't want to be alone. I did that with my last relationship and just ended up wasting a good 4 years of my life - years I'll never get back, youth lost and dreams I am only now starting to achieve. Being with someone for that sake, loving and caring about them more than they do you is not worth a single tear or wrinkle over. I'd rather be a 'crazy' dog lady with a house full of loving and playful pooches than with a person who doesn't make me happy and probably snores way too loud and I don't get enough sleep! I'm a tad bitter over losing my early twenties to a douchebag, they're supposed to be the best of your life and for me when I look back it's just a daze, like I was sleeping or something. So, no never again. I've been single for over 2 years now and f***ing loving it. I'm also proud of myself for sticking true to my worth too, there's been times when I thought I could compromise and settle, weak moments of my traitor hopeless romantic heart but I know what I want and that is that. And I swear I don't ask for much! Hahaha promise! I need someone who is funny and will laugh at my stupid jokes, likes to travel and is open minded. Yeesh, it doesn't sound like much typed away but it's been so hard to find someone like that yet. Maybe he's across the ocean. That's my reasoning for it anyway. Regarding love. Well I think it's a balance between the two, though I believe a guy or the masculine entity of a relationship should utterly adore the girl/feminine. Hopeless romantic talk again. This is actually proving quite difficult to define since I keep rambling hahaha so I'm going to stop because I don't really no what to say and the more I stew over it the more confused I get.

    Anyway, you are a gorgeous girl who deserves so much more. I think if you can search inside and find what you want and need from a guy it might make it easier when you meet a potential suitor. It's always hard to know though, but you have to open your heart a little, as hard as that is and despite the outcome, good or bad there will always be a lesson learned and you'll come away that much stronger. There is also a 50% chance that he may even be a great guy and love you forever and ever. If he doesn't and he's a jerk who's married, it's just another frog closer to Prince Charming. I hope this helped (and made sense-it's Friday and I'm delirious!)

    Have a great weekend lovely, stay strong!
    SDMxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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Jade