The truth is I don't really know how to do them anymore as I have privatized my life a lot more than I used to online. Before I realized that my blog was actually getting read by people world-wide I used to write whatever I felt like writing, even posting a few times a day if I felt like it. Seeing how my blog has blossomed overtime gave me somewhat of a wake-up call as to what I should be posting publicly and learning where the line is drawn.
My blog started as a silly page set-up purely for a nineteen year old girls rants and raves about anything and everything. There was no holding back.
Since then, my blog has substantially grown and I guess in a sense, a layer of paranoia slipped over me. I suddenly didn't want the whole world to be able to know what was or is going on in my life and for months and months now I've been in a sort of cocoon... hiding myself and my life away.
Even more truthfully, I felt that there were a lot of things going on in my life that I wasn't particularly proud of. Furthermore, I didn't know whether I was coming or going! How was I supposed to blog about my life when I didn't even know which direction it was going in??? I realize now that I should have used that as my purpose of blogging. There are so many people that must be feeling that exact same way and perhaps I could have given them some sort of solace in my words?
Now, at twenty-three (nearly,) life is still as confusing as ever. I still don't know where life is taking me - all I know is that it is taking me somewhere new... somewhere unknown. Lately everything has changed, although you wouldn't really be able to notice that if you looked at me. I feel the change internally though. I feel wiser, calmer and more comfortable in my own skin. I feel as though in many ways, I have grown up.. although at the same time, I still make mistakes and react the wrong way sometimes. No one is perfect and that is something I think everyone needs to remember. Sometimes, we will muck up and feel ashamed.. we will make a fool of ourselves and we will inevitably have a day where we can't handle things anymore. We will cry. We will fail... but we will also laugh. We will also smile. There is a quote that I want to get tattooed on my foot and it goes like this:
We need to remember those words - because there are always going to be bad days. The bad days help you to appreciate and acknowledge the good. You are never going to end up in some magical world of eternal happiness - there will always be curve-balls thrown your way. What we need to learn to do is embrace them, combat them.. grow stronger from them!
The other day, I woke up and remembered what my blog used to be. I started this blog for me... not for anyone else. Yes, writing about products and movies, books and food is great and I do love sharing things with people but that isn't how this blog originally started. When my blog was born my writing was raw, real and unplanned. It was about deaths, breakups, work and friends. It was about my struggles and strife's as well as the happy times.
Sometimes when I visit my favorite blogs I see them posting as I used to - for themselves and not really caring who reads it or how open it actually is.. and it is making me miss that.
So I think, slowly, I will be starting to go back to my original roots and squeezing some lifestyle posts back into Bohemian Muses... just my overall thoughts and quips.. stories from my every day life. If no one reads it then that's fine too - I'm not asking you to. At least it will be out of my system.
I know so many people that don't have the time or see the point in blogging and they think you're stupid because no one actually cares what you're doing on a daily basis etc.. it is like when people instagram silly every day things.. what is the point? Or update your facebook status to say what you are doing.. it usually isn't anything special.. so why post it??? Well.. because you can. I also happen to love lifestyle posts - perhaps because I'm a nosy as hell writer and I love venturing into other people's worlds. Blogging is a hobbie, just as sports or cars are to other people. Blogging is a passion.
So... my life. Well - this paragraph I have typed out a thousand times and deleted now. I don't know where to start. Can you really sum your world up in one blog post? See what I mean how getting back into blogging 'lifestyle' posts is difficult???
I haven't really been out much since the arrival of my nephew, who was born on the 26th December 2013. I've noticed this whole year so far, all of my photographs on facebook are of me with him. I'm totally and completely besotted.
Life seemed to hit this calm spot whereas in the past, weekends were filled with friends and partying. I guess it doesn't help that the majority of my friends all left town to go on to bigger and better things and the others all got into relationships and moved on with their lives in different ways. Suddenly I felt pretty lonely. I no longer had a 'group.'
It wasn't often that I saw friends anymore, not the way that I used to and I guess that made me see that it is time that I also move on. I feel like everyone has gone to do something with their lives and dive into this big wide world yet I am still driving my little blue Micra up and down the same streets every day, doing the same thing. Yes, I have traveled a lot, written a book, painted, made jewelry.. I am happy living close to the ocean as I surf - but sometimes you just need to experience something new. I wouldn't say that I've 'failed' but I definitely haven't followed the norm that one would do after finishing college. Even before I finished college I worked my absolute ass off at jobs to earn as much as I could... from waitressing in the middle of summer when I could have been out at the beach with friends, to working in a video store even on Christmas Day (seriously, who rents videos on Christmas Day!?). I did anything and everything to scramble up the funds to travel. I've never stopped working my ass off to be fair. I always have a job, sometimes even two or three.
Travel was / is my goal and I succeeded. I went to Thailand, Singapore, England, Venice, Rome, Florence, Pisa, Paris, The French Riviera, Austria, Munich, Berlin, Amsterdam, Prague, Monaco and Zanzibar since I left college and I'd been to many other countries before that.
Of course I had help from my parents as well. My dad had invested money a long time ago which matured and he gave me the option, either I could study with my split of the money, or, and he already knew the answer, I could travel.
I was happy with my decision and jetted off to gain some life experience.
The journey was also in an attempt to heal a severely broken heart that I was lugging around with me like dead weight. Who I had thought at the time was my soul-mate was suddenly banned from seeing me (because I dated his brother in law years earlier), he then went traveling the world too and I had to see images online of him with other women. His father then shot himself and he had to go and get help in LA as the traumatic incident had deeply affected him. I was dying to be there for him but I couldn't be, although we had agreed to remain best friends throughout, I could feel us slipping further and further apart until the day came where we woke up one morning and stopped messaging each other completely. It killed me and after many failed attempts of reaching out as a friend with little to no response, I knew when it was finally time to call it a day. I decided to close up my battered heart and move on.
Important note: now, said man, is happily in a relationship with a wonderful lady and they have just had a son. There are no bad feelings and I am actually going to visit them sometime to meet the little one and catch up with them. Once your heart has healed, everything gets easier. Of course it was a HUGE shock to discover that he was having a baby with someone and that now things never had hope... but once I had accepted that and done hours of sorting through my thoughts and emotions, I realized that I was happy for him.
The second heartbreak was Eddie. Married man. This one still hurts, even when I think that I am over it. I could have days and days of feeling like I'm over the pain and guilt of what went on, then, one day arises and everything just comes flooding back. I feel empty and hurt and betrayed.
I don't think that heartbreak is ever something that goes away; it may subside overtime but you'll never be rid of it. I think that's how you know that you were really in love.
With my first heartbreak, it was easier to accept things and move on but something like what I had with Eddie.. I don't think that pain or confusion will ever really go away. I loved him before I knew he was married, so it was already too late. I am the last person to believe in 'Love At First Sight,' because I feel that you need to know and accept the flaws in people too before you can truly love them - but this came close. Within a matter of days this man had my heart - which was so unexpected for me as I didn't think that it was possible to love again after my previous heartache. I didn't really believe in love anymore.
Things with Eddie did end badly, I guess that's all you need to know. It was bound to anyway - I was naive and silly for continuing something that could have no future. I just desperately wish that I understood it more. The things he would say to me seemed so real and true... how could a person do that to someone?
There's a song that really stood out to me during this time in my life by:
So the journey overseas was supposed to help me overcome that hurdle too. That is when I discovered that traveling to heal yourself is the worst thing you could do... not for your wounds but for your travels! If you go out with that as your intention then you are only running away from yourself and what your life has turned into instead of facing it head on. Travel when you are happy and do it for the one and only reason: Experience.
So right now, my life is under construction. I will be uprooting myself and starting fresh in a new place without the comfort of parents or friends. Not immediately, but soon. I need to come up with a plan (which is already underway). As soon as I can construct some sort of a plan or idea together - I will blog about it. For now though, things really are just too muddled to attempt explaining to you, let alone myself.
Regarding one of the many reasons that I have felt for long over a year that I need to leave the little town I live in........ Last night I watched movie called A Good Year starring Russell Crowe. It is set in a vineyard in France – what a delightful film! Anyway, while I was watching it one things stuck out to me from it. The woman that Russell Crowe falls in love with in the film says to him:
Those words seriously struck home for me. It is exactly what I have been feeling lately. Knysna, the town I live in, isn’t a bad place at all. It is gorgeous and filled with an abundant, almost endless supply of fun outdoorsy things to do. People who have been here for a while all tend to say the same thing to the newcomers, “Be careful. This place will swallow you up!” etc. Last night I realized that isn’t true. After a while, we all change. Now, I’ve realized it isn’t the town, it’s me. My life doesn’t suit this place anymore – not right now. So I’ve got to move on. We all need to step out of our comfort zones at some stage or another and grow. This is my time - a time to grow.. a time to learn. It is a time to construct the life that I want to have rather than living the life that I am content in.
I'm going to be thrown into the deep end of life - but I feel that it is time... time to make something of myself and time to saying, 'Yes, I have moved on from Knysna.' It is a place that I will always revisit because of its beauty and because my family is here, but I want to grow and I feel that my growth has been stunted by staying here for so long.
It used scare me knowing that once I leave, I won't have a friendship circle supporting me anymore - but then I took a long, hard think about it and realized that I don't see my friends often anymore anyway. Times have changed and for the first time in my life, I feel ready to embrace a new, uncharted chapter even though I know I'll be going in blind. I am no longer scared. I am ready. I am excited.
Matters of my heart right now? After two severely bad heartbreaks in the past that honestly left me feeling that I no longer had a heart or love to share with another soul... it has been hard to put myself fully out there again, especially as when I did so, the attempts were not exactly welcomed with open arms. I had tried to be a girlfriend but situations were complicated and the love that I was ready to give and wanted to give was denied due to forces far bigger than we know.
I haven't let it put out my fire though - and although, again, I am not yet ready to reveal 'everything' to the online world, that is also under construction. I am working towards a bigger and better future that I know is out there... somewhere.
I guess it is like if you fall pregnant, you don't go and advertise it straight away... you wait until you've passed the first trimester. It is the first trimester after all that is the critical stage where you could potentially lose the baby... well, a relationship, I feel, is much the same. There is also a first trimester.. and I have always been the sort of person who only reveals it once that stage has passed. It isn't something I would even share with my family until that stage has passed actually. Introducing someone to your family is a massive deal and the word 'love' is far too easily slung around nowadays. I am a private person - which is hilarious to type thinking about the fact that I am about to publish this blog to the entire world! But what I'm getting at is that, one day, when the time is right, everything that needs to be said will be said.. all will be revealed in its own time. Things I don't even know are going to happen - things that will just come into my life when I least expect it. For now - all you need to know on that front is that I am happy. I am happy with who I am and that is a huge part of being able to be with someone. You need to love and respect yourself before someone else can - so for a while - whether you are married, taken or single.. just take some time to appreciate yourself and reconnect with who you are. Take a day for just you.... you'll have no idea how much that it is needed.
On that note...
Recently, I caught up with a bunch of my old girlfriends at a birthday party (hence the photographs). It was so nice to be back in touch with them and share some cocktails. I was also able to hear their thoughts and advice on where I should go and what I should do - but at the end of the day, the decision is mine and they can only say so much.
Seeing my girlfriends again made me see that we have all changed in our own ways - life has been kind to each one of us. Although each of us have had our fair share of dilemmas and mishaps, there have also been blessings which continue to make us smile. The good always outweighs the bad.