Saturday, May 24, 2014

Overwhelmed



Here is my situation:



I have possibly got the best job in the world. I work for the most amazing people - I am surrounded by stunning and rare art work all day long. My salary is good. The town I stay in is beautiful.. Small, but beautiful. It's right by the ocean. I have so many incredible friends and family in the area plus my absolutely gorgeous little nephew, Jenson, who is only 5 months old. 



I am happy here. 

Then there's this big change coming up that is completely knocking me off-kilter. I'm supposed to be moving to Pretoria in three weeks time. I've resigned from my job. I've made the necessary arrangements - found a job, found a life.... but here's the thing: 

Pretoria is a big city. I've never lived in a city before. I'm a born and raised countryside girl. Naive and sheltered from the big bad world. I don't know what traffic and smog is! 



I am used to my independence - getting into my car and driving to the next town for a beer at a great bar I know on the beach if and when I want to. After all this time, I am used to being alone. Being a free-spirit. I'm scared that moving there will swallow me up and destroy every inch of who I am.
Pretoria isn't me. There's no ocean. No family. No friends of my own. 

I'm scared. 

Above all else, everyone I speak to about the move tells me I'll be miserable there. The people that know me the best have told me that my soul will be sucked dry. 

I need the salty ocean breeze and freedom to be the bohemian backpacking, barefooted and footloose person that I am. Don't get me wrong... I can pull myself together and wobble around in heels if I need to:








But at the end of the day, I always end up reverting back to the quirky, silly and humorous woman that I am:


Heels hurt man..... I try though.

I am a lady... I like to have a nice handbag and dress up. I enjoy lavish dinners and good wine. I am a bundled mixture of a free-spirited hippy, surfer girl and a .. golly.. I don't even know what to call it? A lady. That's the only way I can describe it. I like fashion and watching The Bachelor and doing my nails. I am both. I like to get my hands dirty and do crazy, adventurous things! I love camping and hiking and just being out in nature.



I am just me....




...A mixture...

The kind of girl who whips her sticky bra off in public and goofs around like a knob. 



And the dufus that wears helmets inside a restaurant... which is probably for the best considering.......




The idiot that rides a pink bicycle with tassles through Amsterdam and visits the Berlin Wall in her pajamas:







The absolute MORON who epicly fails at her chance to take a ridiculous toursity photograph with The Leaning Tower of Pisa!



I park like a wanker:

 

When I hug you I do it properly... I shower you with love and affection:


And when I buy presents I like to be really creative:



And although I say "No I am not going to stand in a stupid cluster of women and attempt to catch a bloody bouquet of flowers!" at every wedding I attend... I always seem to be roped in and catch the freaking things







I am always the first person up on the dance floor...




The Majority of my life is spent with sunburn.

 

And sometimes I snort when I laugh....






I need the beautiful views and  scenery that is my residence.

On that note....

I know life needs to move on and I need to experience something new. That is all part of growing in life, is it not? To me though, my form of growing is travel. I save and hoard money away like a magpie hides away shiny objects in its nest and when I have enough, I book a ticket to some great place in the world and I indulge myself in the culture, food, history and beauty of somewhere new. 



That is my passion. I work hard for that. I need that. 


In Pretoria my expenses will skyrocket and what I can save per month will quickly diminish. 

I don't know what to do. 

My boss has told me that they want me to stay. They are being so unbelievably wonderful to me and I actually cannot begin to explain how lucky I am. They've even given me options, to try it out and if it doesn't work I can come back after three months. I don't deserve such incredible people. I also don't want to muck them around - they deserve the best. 

I am just so, so happy there.

I want to stay - but is this an opportunity to grow and experience something new that I will be missing out on??? 



I'm so confused.

If I move to Pretoria my entire life will change. I know that. Everything that I am and how I live will be altered. I will become an instant mum to the most gorgeous 6 year old boy that I know and most likely end up married with kids of my own sooner rather than later too. I know that is what is awaiting me there if I take that plunge. 

I just don't know if I'm ready to change my entire life yet. I am so content with how my life is. 



I want to be married and have children and grow old with someone.. of course I do. But I feel that there's something I'm missing. Perhaps something that hasn't happened yet and is going to that will send my life onto a completely different course. Who knows what that is. It could be anything. It could even be the move to Pretoria! Or it could be more travel.. to Bali, Ireland, Canada and many many more places that I am dying to get to.

What if the rest of my life is right in front of me but I just can't see it??? What if the rest of my life is something I don't even know yet - or something I do know but can't get to just yet. 

I am dwelling so deeply into this stuff and normally, being the person that I am, I'd let life just take its course. I'd live with the confidence that whatever will be, will be. You can't change destiny. 
But unfortunately right now, I've completely overwhelmed myself with this move and giving up my lifestyle in the cozy town of Knysna. 

Do I move? Do I chance it? Or do I stay? 

Staying wouldn't be because I'm scared. I'm not scared of change. I embrace change. I love change. But I get this feeling that it isn't right. I don't WANT to be there - but I know I'd be missing out on an amazing life if I don't go. 

What do I do???? 

Only I can make that decision at the end of the day.....and the time is looming closer to when I need to make the final call and I'm just going crazy thinking about it!!



My heart and soul is craving something.... I just don't know what that something is.  

Right now it's Saturday afternoon and I just feel like doing this:


Giving up!

But at the same time I am the type of girl that believes that wishes do come true...


And although I know that happiness is a mood and not a destination, it will forever be something that I fight for.

Perhaps I need to listen to my own graffiti'd advice...



Someday Your Ocean Will Find Its Shore.



Right... glad I got that off my chest. It feels so good to just write it out sometimes. Apologies to those of you who had to endure that little rant and ramble!

Does anyone have any sort of advice or words of wisdom to offer me though??? 

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

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10 comments:

  1. What a fun post! You are such an amazing and interesting person! I can relate to you a lot. As much as you're confused, could you not check out Pretoria for a while and then decide to stay? Maybe that way you could move back to your city if you don't like it there. I did something similar a few years ago when I moved to Mumbai. I worked there for 2years but then moved back to my small town as it was more fun here. Have a great weekend!
    Keep in touch
    xx
    www.JuneWantsItAll.com

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  2. I could really relate to this post! Since my dad was an Ambassador of the Philippines, I've had a very unstable childhood. I spent 6 years in Germany, and when I became accustomed to the country, suddenly we had to leave and go back to the Philippines. We spent 3 years here, and as I started to adjust to new people, suddenly we had to leave again and go to Thailand. I spent 9 years in Thailand (I lived there in all of my teenage years), and when I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, me and my family had to move back to the Philippines.

    Trust me, I know how you feel. I know how scary change can be. My advice? Just go with the flow. Embrace change. Don't try to fight it, because it will just bring you misery, and in the end, you have no choice but to accept the changes anyway. So welcome change with open arms and an optimistic mind.

    I know you will be fine and I know you will conquer the city life! Good luck <3

    http://itsthekyliebabii.blogspot.com/

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  3. So funny pics. I can really relate to you. Every person faces to some diffucult decisions that can change his life. But thinking about it doesn´t change anything. My advice is to try it- move to Pretoria and when you don´t like it you can move back. Like you said it´s a great opportunity. At least you won´t think about "what would happen if I move to Pretoria". Believe me, the worst thing is not regreting doing something, but regreting not doing something. Wish you a luck to make the right choice. :)
    Fashion Happenss

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  4. I feel so much for you Jade, I have felt like this before and it consumes you so much that you feel like you don't even know what you are doing anymore.

    The first piece of advice I can give is follow your gut, what is it telling you to do? What does your first instinct say? And secondly, would you be ok with not moving? Would you regret it? It seems we usually regret the things we didn't do and not the things we did do.

    Give your mind a little break and go easy on yourself, the answer will come.

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  5. Awwwww this is such an awesome & refreshing post. I don't know what to say except to wish you all the best in your next and future endeavors!

    Rebecca
    www.redtagchiclosangeles.com

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  6. All I can say is listen to your gut because it's normally right. Good luck with your decision making.

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  7. You are the only one that knows the right answer. Everything happens for a reason. My step dad died in 2005 and it was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my family. It was awful. BUT- because he passed away, it gave my mom and I the opportunity to move to Vancouver Island. Boyfriend dumped me... and I met Rob. The rest is history. Everything you do in your life HAPPENS FOR A REASON. If you decide to go to Pretoria - you were meant to.. and your life will unfold the way it is supposed to. If you stay- you were meant to and your life will still unfold the way it is meant to. I know.. it's not super helpful.

    If someone is waiting for you in Pretoria.. and you feel that pull to go.. your heart leaps at the idea of going, go. If you think about going and you feel panic and your heart speeds up at the idea of staying; stay.

    I believe you that you love change. But I think that you probably are a bit scared.. I feel like you are such a free spirit that you jump at the chance to do fun, new and exciting things. You are passionate and want love but you live with the fear of becoming ordinary and that life may turn mundane in the process of being in love. It won't necessarily. Life is what you make of it.. and if you are in love, in Pretoria, I can guarantee that you will find good things there too.

    Good luck with your decision!!

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  8. Change is scary but its also amazing! This is such a lovely post and it was great seeing a few different sides of you :) i love how funny you are the sticky bra picture had me cracking up. I think that you have the power to succeed wherever you go! we all do :) we just have to keep a positive attitude and be happy because life is so beautiful and we are so lucky to be living the lives we do! I wish you luck in your journey <3 I know you will love it ...it might take some time but you will!!

    Kisses,
    Alexa <3
    http://sleepeatbreathefashion.blogspot.com

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  9. First off--what a lovely collection of photos and heartfelt thoughts! Second...go with what you know within--what your gut tells you to do. Don't worry about should's or others' advice. Follow what your inner wisdom is whispering, and it will be the right choice for you at this point in time. Hugs to you and on your decision! xx T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

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  10. Really wish I had something that would help you out, but unfortunately I don't think anyone can tell you what to do in such a case. I'm pretty sure that is all on you. I do however find that if a long night of drunken heart to hearts don't do it a long bath with some hot tea help a lot.

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Jade