Saturday, May 24, 2014
Here is my situation:
I have possibly got the best job in the world. I work for the most amazing people - I am surrounded by stunning and rare art work all day long. My salary is good. The town I stay in is beautiful.. Small, but beautiful. It's right by the ocean. I have so many incredible friends and family in the area plus my absolutely gorgeous little nephew, Jenson, who is only 5 months old.
I am happy here.
Then there's this big change coming up that is completely knocking me off-kilter. I'm supposed to be moving to Pretoria in three weeks time. I've resigned from my job. I've made the necessary arrangements - found a job, found a life.... but here's the thing:
Pretoria is a big city. I've never lived in a city before. I'm a born and raised countryside girl. Naive and sheltered from the big bad world. I don't know what traffic and smog is!
I am used to my independence - getting into my car and driving to the next town for a beer at a great bar I know on the beach if and when I want to. After all this time, I am used to being alone. Being a free-spirit. I'm scared that moving there will swallow me up and destroy every inch of who I am.
Pretoria isn't me. There's no ocean. No family. No friends of my own.
Above all else, everyone I speak to about the move tells me I'll be miserable there. The people that know me the best have told me that my soul will be sucked dry.
I need the salty ocean breeze and freedom to be the bohemian backpacking, barefooted and footloose person that I am. Don't get me wrong... I can pull myself together and wobble around in heels if I need to:
But at the end of the day, I always end up reverting back to the quirky, silly and humorous woman that I am:
Heels hurt man..... I try though.
I am a lady... I like to have a nice handbag and dress up. I enjoy lavish dinners and good wine. I am a bundled mixture of a free-spirited hippy, surfer girl and a .. golly.. I don't even know what to call it? A lady. That's the only way I can describe it. I like fashion and watching The Bachelor and doing my nails. I am both. I like to get my hands dirty and do crazy, adventurous things! I love camping and hiking and just being out in nature.
I am just me....
The kind of girl who whips her sticky bra off in public and goofs around like a knob.
And the dufus that wears helmets inside a restaurant... which is probably for the best considering.......
The idiot that rides a pink bicycle with tassles through Amsterdam and visits the Berlin Wall in her pajamas:
The absolute MORON who epicly fails at her chance to take a ridiculous toursity photograph with The Leaning Tower of Pisa!
I park like a wanker:
When I hug you I do it properly... I shower you with love and affection:
And when I buy presents I like to be really creative:
And although I say "No I am not going to stand in a stupid cluster of women and attempt to catch a bloody bouquet of flowers!" at every wedding I attend... I always seem to be roped in and catch the freaking things
I am always the first person up on the dance floor...
The Majority of my life is spent with sunburn.
And sometimes I snort when I laugh....
I need the beautiful views and scenery that is my residence.
On that note....
I know life needs to move on and I need to experience something new. That is all part of growing in life, is it not? To me though, my form of growing is travel. I save and hoard money away like a magpie hides away shiny objects in its nest and when I have enough, I book a ticket to some great place in the world and I indulge myself in the culture, food, history and beauty of somewhere new.
That is my passion. I work hard for that. I need that.
In Pretoria my expenses will skyrocket and what I can save per month will quickly diminish.
I don't know what to do.
My boss has told me that they want me to stay. They are being so unbelievably wonderful to me and I actually cannot begin to explain how lucky I am. They've even given me options, to try it out and if it doesn't work I can come back after three months. I don't deserve such incredible people. I also don't want to muck them around - they deserve the best.
I am just so, so happy there.
I want to stay - but is this an opportunity to grow and experience something new that I will be missing out on???
I'm so confused.
If I move to Pretoria my entire life will change. I know that. Everything that I am and how I live will be altered. I will become an instant mum to the most gorgeous 6 year old boy that I know and most likely end up married with kids of my own sooner rather than later too. I know that is what is awaiting me there if I take that plunge.
I just don't know if I'm ready to change my entire life yet. I am so content with how my life is.
I want to be married and have children and grow old with someone.. of course I do. But I feel that there's something I'm missing. Perhaps something that hasn't happened yet and is going to that will send my life onto a completely different course. Who knows what that is. It could be anything. It could even be the move to Pretoria! Or it could be more travel.. to Bali, Ireland, Canada and many many more places that I am dying to get to.
What if the rest of my life is right in front of me but I just can't see it??? What if the rest of my life is something I don't even know yet - or something I do know but can't get to just yet.
I am dwelling so deeply into this stuff and normally, being the person that I am, I'd let life just take its course. I'd live with the confidence that whatever will be, will be. You can't change destiny.
But unfortunately right now, I've completely overwhelmed myself with this move and giving up my lifestyle in the cozy town of Knysna.
Do I move? Do I chance it? Or do I stay?
Staying wouldn't be because I'm scared. I'm not scared of change. I embrace change. I love change. But I get this feeling that it isn't right. I don't WANT to be there - but I know I'd be missing out on an amazing life if I don't go.
What do I do????
Only I can make that decision at the end of the day.....and the time is looming closer to when I need to make the final call and I'm just going crazy thinking about it!!
My heart and soul is craving something.... I just don't know what that something is.
Right now it's Saturday afternoon and I just feel like doing this:
But at the same time I am the type of girl that believes that wishes do come true...
And although I know that happiness is a mood and not a destination, it will forever be something that I fight for.
Perhaps I need to listen to my own graffiti'd advice...
Someday Your Ocean Will Find Its Shore.
Right... glad I got that off my chest. It feels so good to just write it out sometimes. Apologies to those of you who had to endure that little rant and ramble!
Does anyone have any sort of advice or words of wisdom to offer me though???
Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.