Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July Through the Years

WARNING: This post is extremely honest - perhaps a little too honest. 

Have you ever gone back in your blogging history and seen more-or-less what your interests, your concerns, your overall views and opinions were on things roughly the same date as today, all those years ago?


Looking back, a year ago on this day I was right amidst my European tour and posting incredible travel posts to you all on a regular basis. A year ago on this day, I was recapping on Florence in Italy.
The post was popular, funny, exciting and well detailed.
I was traveling to mend a broken heard - to find freedom and independence after a 2 year relationship turned sour.

A year before that, 2012 my writing had seemed to hit somewhat of a standstill. I wrote one post in July two years ago... ONE POST!?! That's unheard of for me anymore - now, I feel bad if I miss three bloody days between posts!!

I think it was July of 2012 when my blog was really starting to get some form of attention. I started to really know how to interact with other bloggers - found new and exciting people and interacted with them. It was a long and slow process but it got me to where I am today.

I wouldn't say my blog is big, but my 328 follows on GFC and 102 on Bloglovin is something I'm super duper proud of and I try as hard as I can to keep in touch with as many people as possible. That's the point isn't it??? I couldn't bare just following someone for the sake of it and not actually communicatign with them. That would be so impersonal.

Oh - one HILARIOUS thing in my only post back in 2012 was saying that I had, 'finished my first novel entitled Walk With Me'..... BWAHAHAHAHA. I must have been on drugs. Or up in the clouds.
Two years have come and gone now and I still feel like it isn't finished and needs a lot of work - but at least this year I finally actually got it published - and people are reading it!

The second novel is coming along amazingly too. I'm now on chapter eight and it's just so beautiful. I am in love with my second book and cannot wait to see that bound and available to you all too!

Two years ago in July I also had a dream... a dream about a pink suitcase. 

I had this insane urge to travel. Who would have guessed that I actually did something about that urge? Two years on and I've hopped onto a ferry and crossed over to France, climbed the Eiffle Tower, gone up the Jungfrau Mountain in Switzerland, lost all my money at the Monaco casino, chucked coins into the Trevi fountain in Rome, ridden a Gondola in Venice, eaten a Tuscan steak in Florence, seen the Berlin Wall, cycled through the Englischer Gartens in Munich, had a tattoo done in Prague, wondered around Anne Frank's house and seen in sex show in Amsterdam, eaten Lobster and gotten ridiculously sunburnt in Zanzibar, Tanzania. The list is endless.
I'm so unbelievably proud of myself for accomplishing some of my many life dreams... and I'm not about to stop now. There is still SO much that I want to do in life. 

Further back, three years ago in 2011 - a boy told me that they loved me. Now, for the record, that ship has long since sailed. But the story about how he confessed his love for me was hilarious and my response to it still absolutely mortifies me!

Read Jade's Most Embarrassing Moment: Here

Oh and if you did read that, you'll be delighted to know that my two friends that I'd recently hooked up in that post are still very much in love and I think I may actually hear the faint sounds of wedding bells playing somewhere........... and I hooked them up. 
Call me Cupid.

2011 was also when Walk With Me was first starting to be created. I was writing like a maniac however and wherever I could. I'd never have guessed it to have taken three years to be a book I am holding in my hands today though. 
Sometimes, dreams really do come true.


Then there was 2010. Four years ago. What a crazy thought. Even crazier is that on the 1st of July 2010 was the day that my Grandfather went into a coma. 
I'd found solace in one of my favorite songs by The Doors - This is the End.

I guess it seemed quite fitting at the time.
It's a pretty morbid post but if you'd like to see where my head-space was during that time, here's the link:

 Grand-Dad's Coma

And today - my July of 2014... where am I and what am I doing with my life? Who knows.... that's probably not the answer people expect, but it's the truth. I have no idea where I'm going nor what I'm doing. 

I'm working at an art gallery and it is amazing. It is the best job that I have ever had in my life. I still reside in the tiny town of Knysna - though since avoiding the night clubs and lame ass clicks around this place, it isn't as bad a place as I'd once thought. 
To be honest, I'm a bit of a loner these days. I do my own thing. Enjoy reading, cooking (usually pasta.. with a serious over usage of chilli's,) I'm listening to beautiful indie music like City and Color... and I'm single. Or am I? No... 

I'm not taken. 
I'm not single.
I'm simply on reserve for the one that deserves my heart.... and vice versa. 

I don't think I'll be ready to say those petrifying three words, 'I love you,' to anyone in a very long time. 
I guess, thinking about it, I used to always be in this major rush to have a relationship grow. I wanted marriage and kids and settling down..... but now my mindset as changed. 
As much as it freaking sucks balls to be the only person in my family without a scrabble partner or a charades team mate and as much as I HATE seeing in love couples cuddling up and strolling hand-in-hand wherever I go.... I just want to learn to love myself again before I can even think about loving someone else. 

I lost myself for a while. 
I hit a serious stage of depression, I'm not going to lie.. and to be honest, I'm still in it. 
I wanted desperately to be loved and wanted. I hated myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I felt ugly. Either I was too skinny, or too tubby around my tummy.. I could never reach a place where I was 'happy'. I was too pale or too red or too much or too little of something. 
I hated the sound of my own voice, couldn't stand my tangly hair or dark rings under my eyes. I hated my own thoughts and as much as I tried, I just couldn't find happiness. 
I'm still struggling with all of this. Society has these insane ideas about who you should be and it swallowed me up whole for a really long time. 
I was never good enough. Never pretty enough. Never smart enough or rich enough. I was never just enough.

Throughout the years, the world hasn't necessarily been unkind to me. I have it great actually. Barring a family suffering with alcoholism and general bouts of pure craziness - we all have some sort of issue, do we not??? 

So this is me... 
A miss no body that only craved love but at the same time was so scared of it that I mucked every chance of being loved and being happy up... it's no one else's fault but my own. 
I have screwed my life up for myself and now, I need to fix it. 
This emotional turmoil has given a big beating to my soul and now it is time to open a can of Jade whoop-ass on it and fight back. 

I just want to get to a good place - and I feel being honest with first and foremost, myself, and all of you.. that I'll get there. 

Of course I don't expect any of you to actually read this stuff properly - what are you? My intercontinental psychologist??? 

I'm lost.
I'm in this awful black abyss and I really am trying to get out and save myself - which is hard when you don't even know who you really are. 
I know I'm a good person. A good person that has made some terrible mistakes in life - and believe me, I have suffered for them. 

So... yeah.. maybe this time next year I'll look back and finally be at peace. If I even get there. 
Who knows.... who knows. 

Here's to another year of spiritual enlightenment, growth and finding yourself.  
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  1. I can totally relate to everything you have wrote, I think most females can at some stage in their lives. Your putting it all out there so I have every faith that you will find yourself and be very happy with the person you find.

    1. I'm glad my writing and situation is easy to relate to. That's what I want to be able to do - show people that its ok, everyone is facing something and we can all help each other out xxx

  2. It´s always great to look back and realize where you´re now. Wow, in 2012 you did so many interesting activities. I truly believe that in some short time, you will be happy with yourself and your life. :)
    Fashion Happenss

    1. Sorry for all these comments, it just showed me ,not posted, so I didn´t know if it´s here or not.

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  6. I love how honest you are in all your posts!

    Xoxo, Chloe


    1. Thanks Chloe, it just flows out of me.. haha

  7. Thanks so much for the sweet comment!:) Keep in touch and lovely blog as well!

    xx pauline

  8. I hope you do find yourself. I think it's good to put this all out there.

  9. So great to stop and look back. Lovely post.
    xo Annie
    New England Romance

  10. I 'liked' to know about your gap year, I really enjoyed that posts :)

  11. Hello!
    I love your blog and the way you writes, I noticed you always to give your best, congratulations!
    I love travel!
    you are very very beautifull and I love your posts!
    I'm starting a blog about poetry, books and words, true words, love to have the honor of your visit!
    you can translate my blog to your language,
    I am already a follower,
    Big kisses,


    1. Thank you for such a sweet comment lovely Margarid.. I have followed you back and loved your beautifully written latest post xxx

  12. I remember your Euro tour! And the pain you were sadly facing with it :o( I think it's how I first stumbled onto your blog, your travel photos and words captured my heart! Looking back at your amazing four year history here I just wish i'd found you sooner. But better late than never. And girl you should be very proud of your followers. It's all about QUALITY over QUANTITY! You can have thousands of numbers but what is the point if they're not meaningful? You have loyalty which is very impressive and hard to come by! (For me anyway) Most people are just interested in skimming through, leaving random remarks which have nothing to do with what is posted and just want you to follow them so they're numbers go up. But what for? Seriously! And another hooray on publishing your book and working on another! That is so HUGE! It is also so much farther along than mine which I am still on some random chapter into my story, halfway through. I've been sitting on it for years now. I need to get my ass into gear! Urgh! I hope you get to travel some more, traveling is one of the greatest experiences one can ever have. So meaningful and powerful and what you learn about yourself is priceless at that. It's been 3 years for me since I last left this land and I've been dying every day on the inside since. I hope I'll get to fulfil my dreams in September, because my soul is clawing for it!


  13. Jade, your life is such an awesome adventure (even your most embarrassing moment)! Like you, I have grown to enjoy my "downtime"--my introverted self--over the years. It's actually something I cherish--quiet, quality time with myself. :) Hugs on your week! T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

    1. Thank you Tina, it really is. Just feeling a bit weak lately but woke up with far more positivity in me today after an 11 hour kip xxx

  14. I love the idea of this post, Jade!
    Going back through the years really puts in to perspective how much you have grown, learnt, and developed as a person.

    You will find your true self and discover where life is taking you one day. Until then, enjoy the little things in life that make you smile; surf, sunshine, friends, and most importantly, wine. ;)

    Much love. xx

    1. Aww thank you so much Christie.It is always important to remember the little things xxx

  15. Great post! So cute!!!

  16. I can totally relate to you - I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. It's an awful feeling and I am desperately trying to figure out how to change this situation, I feel stuck. Maybe next year I will be looking back and laughing at myself for being so silly. Let's hope so..

    1. In a way, it is sad that so many people are also so unsure but at the same time it is also very comforting. Thank you. We all go through something on a daily basis. I hope you figure out which path to take. xxxx

  17. I hope you find some joy and peace in not knowing where your life is going Jade. I've thought about what life would be like if I knew the rest of my life, like a map, and it just sounds quite boring to me. I sometimes get anxious for things to happen though, I have to practice patience and learn to live one day at a time and appreciate the place where I am today in my life, I always find something to be grateful for.

    p.s. The End is also one of my favorite songs, I love knowing that about you :)


    1. Hi Silvia, thank you for the comment. I've woken up today feeling much more positive. I guess sleeping for 11 hours straight does that to a person, no? :)
      Anyway, point is I am smiling and feeling far more positive so there is light at the end of the tunnel xxxx

  18. That's a really great idea to look back over the years. In fact, I should do a little look back on my past birthdays.. through my journal. I have a journal I've written in every day. It would be neat to see what I've gotten up to on my birthdays for the years past. Thanks for the inspiration.
    As for you- I still think you have the right idea friend. Keep up the good attitude and you can do anything. :)


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