Friday, August 22, 2014

Day 18: Describe Yourself From 5 Years Ago 26DayBloggingChallenge

In 2009 I was eighteen and man, does that seem like a long time ago. I have done a lot of growing up from then until now - so much so that you probably wouldn't even recognise me. By that I don't mean physically, but mentally and emotionally I have matured beyond what I would have even thought to be possible. 

I decided to consult my 2009 journal for this challenge - which was harder than what you may think. My past hasn't exactly been a good one and back then I was still dealing with a lot of negativity and just in a really bad space. 

The start of 2009, when I was still just seventeen, was when I had written down my new years resolution: Start Gym. 
For the first time in my life I think I excelled in this considering after finishing up college I actually applied to work at a gym where I went on to become a qualified personal trainer! 

Yes.. I know this is an older photo but i wanted to include it anyway!
In January 2009 I had been dating someone for nearly a year and he was my high school sweetheart. Although we are still very close friends to this day, we were so bad for each other back then. 
With me in my self-destruction phase and with him not far behind - it was only a matter of time until it ended anyway.

Unfortunately this turned out to be one of those relationships that was on and off repeatedly every few days - groan. 
It was as though as much as we knew we weren't working out, we just couldn't stay away from each other. We were everything to each other - that is until he cheated on me that is. We've long since forgiven and forgotten but after being cheated on and having my heart bashed around I changed permanently. 
Before 2009, I had the biggest heart in the world with SO much love to give - then suddenly, I closed up like a clam and you couldn't pry me open even if you tried. 
I guess in a big way I am still dealing with that - opening my heart up entirely to someone. I try to, but it is still so scary to me. 

I was suffering with very bad depression back then and had a lot of low self-esteem issues. 

Not only was I battling with dark and scary thoughts an eighteen year old should never have to go -through, but my family life was a nightmare too. 
My folks were drinking to excess, dealing with their own problems and finding the bottle was the way to help matters when in reality it only made things worse. 
Aggression and violence dominated behind the four walls we called home. It was awful and we had never been more disconnected from each other. 

In my journal I'd have horrible little entries such as:

"Men confuse me. Life is hard. Love sucks. Friendships never last. That's the cold, hard truth."

"Trapped in a world with endless days."


"Am I alive, or just breathing?"

Reading back on them now, I feel so much sadness. 
I wish 23 year old me could have helped 18 year old me. 
I didn't make the most of my teenage days, in fact I hid from them and fought with them. It's a very hard thing to realise.

I decided to try and get out of the situation by filling in my university forms in between smoking mass amounts of cigarettes - because I thought I was a serious bad-ass.

I desperately wanted to be a student at Rhodes university to study journalism. 
Even back then and until this day, writing has been my biggest passion and greatest dream. That is the one thing that has never faltered with me. 

With everything going on in 2009, I was an extremely deep person. 
I loved quotes such as:

"Anyone who says that this is more than they can handle is less than the kind of person you need in your life."

I am still an incredibly deep person and find so much inspiration on quotes - I think back then was just the start.

By early March 2009 things had gotten so bad in my life and the happy pills weren't helping - so I tried alternate methods.

I went to an art therapy lady who basically only managed to freak me out further. 
She said that when I was a baby, a wiccan spiritual ritual was performed on me.
Drinking vodka in the school bathrooms... because I thought I was badass
I had no idea what that meant, but it scared me because my Auntie is a witch-doctor living in Johannesburg and we haven't had a relationship with her in many, many years. 
I never did look into what that woman said in greater detail because it petrified me so much that ever since I have been trying to ignore it. In fact, I'd completely forgotten it until hauling out my journal and reading it tonight.

After turning 18, I could finally stop worrying about looking old enough to get into clubs. I guess from that point of there was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I had always chosen to hang out with a much older crowd than myself and so I was always constantly fretting that I'd hold them back or ruin their evenings should I be busted for being under-age. With that worry out the window, I became a lot more relaxed. 

I got my first job at a local DVD rental store and have been grafting my butt off at every job I have ever had ever since. It is the one thing my dad loves to gloat about, the fact that I am such a hard worker. 

Some good things came from 5 years ago though... 
Such as FINALLY discovering the joys of sushi! I'd hated it for years before turning 18 and slowly my taste buds changed.
Now, I couldn't imagine life without sushi!

I also got my drivers licence and by May 6th, I had my first set of wheels! 

A beautiful white Honda Jazz V-tec. 
I later wrote this car off in a bad accident - but she was an incredible little vehicle and I still miss her today.

By the end of 2009 my relationship with my high school sweetheart finally hit breaking point and we parted ways. 
I decided to pack up my life and move to England to start fresh. It didn't last long. I was going in completely blind and completely alone. I had no idea what on earth I was doing plus it was right in the middle of recession so I couldn't find work and came back pretty quickly - but, my friends, that is a completely other story. 

So yeah... 

All of the hardships I faced back then moulded me into who I am today..... and finally, after a lot of blood, sweat and tears, I am happy. 

I found myself and my confidence. 

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  1. A big smile came upon my face as I read your final sentence! Happiness at last! I did not hold on to the journals I kept in my teenaged years, but like you--they were quite similar--filled with angst and despair. Like you, happiness finally did arrive. Sure feels good, doesn't it? Big hugs, Sweetie! T.

  2. and you lived happily ever after. I loved reading about young you, I so wish I had kept my diaries but my Mum read them once and I burnt all of them after that, she only read cause she thought I was doing drugs if only she would have asked and she would have found out I was just a moody bitch.

  3. One of these days we should have a long night of wine and chats (When you make it to NY ;)). I feel like so many of these things are so similar to what I went through at that age. I was finally acknowledging some of the trama from my childhood, while my father tried to stop the cycle of his bad choices with me, only to have me go extremely the other way, because you know I was such a bad ass. Excessive drinking, hanging out with older friends, who it turns out were just using me (whole other story), I even got arrested for my shenanigans. But after all that I am who I am now because of it, and theres no two ways about it, it's a part of me. Thoughg I did through out my old diary bc the writing was just so dark I couldn't even look at it. Somethings need to be moved away form. Sorry for the many thoughts!

  4. It seems that you came through a lot during being teenager. Low self-esteem and despair were my problems too, I´m happy it´s over. :)
    Fashion Happenss

  5. Wow Jade, what a turbulent time in your life. You've overcome so many obstacles and challenges, you are so strong willed. I really admire you.


  6. No probs , here is the comment again. I appricaite your effort to ask for comment :) kisses
    girl , first thing i want to say is " i love you " u have been through so much , huge roller coster ride and finally came out positive
    so many people loose themselves in the storm called life and very few come out as winners
    i can understand everyword , i went through a lot , most of the time felt that life is not worth living , wasted 5 years of life with a guy, use to cry every night
    but now I am happy , have understoon that nobody can make one happy , its somethng that we have to do for ourselves
    stay what you are now as ur just Adorable , looking forward to meet you some day
    keep in touch

  7. wow what a sad, yet inspiring post. I had a tough time when I was younger dealing with some bullying and being extremely insecure. I think everyone has good and bad times in the past. Really interesting post to read! x


  8. Five years ago seems like a long time ago.. I was 24 and there are still so many things I had no clue about compared to now. It's great that we're always learning and aspiring to be our better selves. Each year we grow a little wiser with life experience. I used to smoke too! I quit in 2007..and so glad I did..!


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