Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Honesty Entering 2015

What is a blog if it isn't honest? I think a lot of us bloggers set up an account, brag about our outfits or latest beauty products, share bits of our materialistic lives and gush about how fabulous and glitzy we can be (I'm just generalizing here by the way. There are many of you that I absolutely love to keep up to date with that have actual interesting things to say!) 

Well, it's a new year in 1 day and 11 hours and I have something to admit. I haven't been honest with any of you.

You see... 2014 was a pretty shitty year for me for lack of better words. In fact, they are the perfect words - because it was shitty. Yet here I was trying to coax you into trying some silly horse shampoo or publishing a post about buying a pair of bad quality shoes every month to show to you like it really even mattered?! 

There were a small collection of 'real' posts I suppose - although I never really gave too much away. For example, there was the time back in June when my best friend in the world left and I wrote THIS.
Then there was a nice little slice of positive words to myself HERE shortly after that. 
I even posted a video clip back in August where I was in tears after being mucked around by yet another smelly git of a man... watch that NOW.  
I think the idea of posting real life struggles and perils is such a great idea in the blog world because we all have them but we try so hard to blanket them with all this bullshit. 

So here, in short, is a small summary of what REALLY happened in 

It was my first year as an Auntie. 
Jenson Charles Preston Wright was born on the 26th December 2013. 

Being an Auntie is incredible. It's a love like no other and this little guy has stolen my heart. 

I got a tattoo of cherry blossoms on my foot to symbolize mortality when my dad was given three days to live. 

I got my first novel, Walk With Me, published and it sold like hot cakes. The experience of publishing it was incredible but hard as hell. It did give me so much inspiration to complete my second novel entitled, The Other Woman, though. 

I had my first freelance journalist gig - which was a HUGE milestone in my career as a writer. It was for a site called Bored.com and it was about unique ways to wrap up your Christmas presents. 
As a writer, you can't help but feel so incredibly stoked when you see your own work published! So to see not only my first novel but also my first article published in 2014, that was pretty damn cool. 
You can check the article out HERE

I've been battling with living back at home with my folks - who although try to deny it, are big lovers of getting absolutely pickled every night in front of the television. 
I don't know how life could ever end up like that... sitting on the couch, slowly passing out from too much alcohol while watching mindless junk on the TV. 
I'm scared of that happening to me..... and I am willing to do just about anything to prevent it. 
I get angry and grumpy with them and become a terror of a person. I bitch and moan and shout at them... me... their daughter... the one they used to rock to sleep at night and sing lullabies to. 
I get so churned up inside seeing them like that. 
If it was once a week, on a weekend... then why not? But it is every single bloody night. But as hard as I try to tell them they have a problem... they just don't stop. 
I don't know if they ever will. 

But I still love them both... dearly.

As for friends..... well... to be honest with you it's been a pretty lonely year. 
I've never been great at making friends. 
Back in high school I was the biggest freak show and nerd you could get... of course it affects you. 
I have a few wonderful close friends like Lucien and Ashley... but the others seem to come and go. 
A lot of the time I make great friends but then they move to a new town or to a different country and slowly we lose contact. It's how it works I suppose.... but I have been needing to find a 'group,' if you will..... 
It sucks so much to see all these photographs on Facebook of girls nights and barbecues, going out and having FUN. 
I have them too - at the end of every month I show you photo's of me enjoying my evenings with people.... but do those people really care or know me? Not really.... not if I'm honest.
I miss having friends - friends that keep in touch and check in on how you are. Friends who make the effort and go the extra mile to let you know they are there for you. 
I don't have many of them left anymore.

Surfing? There hasn't really been much of that. I have probably done it a handful of times this year - and actually, as I write this, I am struggling away with some seriously stiff muscles from a couple of hours in the water on Sunday. I caught about three good waves but I definitely need to pick it back up again if I have any hope of surfing Indonesia in 7 months time!!! 

That's the OTHER thing... those of you who follow me regularly (thanks for that by the way!) will obviously know how passionate I am about travel. 
There was non of that in 2014.... barring a few little jets to the cities in South Africa, which I'm not really sure counts... but at least I was on a plane. 
There's something about being way up there in the sky.... and it's not just the fact that the altitude makes drinking wine just that much more fun! No... it's knowing that when you touch ground again it will be some place else....
I get SERIOUS cabin fever. 
I'm a nomad... a gypsy... or as my mother likes to call me, a bit of a waif and a stop-out............... (thanks mum). 
I go bat-shit crazy without experiencing the joys of a new country and culture. 
I could have traveled, hell, I've saved up enough! But I'm saving up so that next year can be my travel year... I have big plans and slowly but surely they are all coming into fruition. That's the only thing keeping me sane right now... knowing soon, I'll be somewhere else on the map, with a rucksack on my back and a passport in my hand. 

Now here's the real deep one....

I slit my wrist. Yip. Now there's some honesty for you. 
I had an absolute breakdown - went on anti-depressants and started suffering from major anxiety. 
Why did I do it? There are many reasons. 
Depression is a hard pill to swallow on top of the CiLift or whatever happy drug you're taking to help you out.

I think more often than not, we are so afraid to show who we really are... to show our weaknesses and fall-backs because we are petrified of judgement. 
But you know what??? Judge me if you want to. I don't care anymore. 
I got weak and I fell. I'm left with a stupid scar across my left wrist from something I did because I was ashamed with myself. Why???
Because I nearly killed someone. 
I got involved with a married man - fell in love with him, adored him, almost bloody worshiped him.... and he loved me back. At least I think he did. But then his wife found out and she didn't take it well. Who can blame her??? It's the worst thing I have ever done - to have continued something like that.
I should probably clarify that I didn't actually KNOW he was married until I was already to deep in into the doomed hole.... I really didn't. If I had, things would have ended up VERY differently. 
She slashed her wrists... badly. It wasn't just a plea for attention, but a genuine suicide attempt - and when he told me about it, it gave me such a fright. 
I was devastated. How could I have done that to someone??? And so I wanted to feel that pain. Somehow I thought that if I punished myself I could make it better. I fell back into a depression so deep and hurtful that I was experimenting with drugs and harming myself so much.... not letting anyone in to help. No one even really knew what I was doing.
One of the reasons I finally moved back home to my folks, was because I was having a problem with drugs. I told my folks everything. What I'd thought was just fun experimental teenage shit actually got really ugly......... and I made the huge decision to come clean to them.... and for AGES I had done so well at cleaning myself up... but after this happened.... I fell down again. 
Falling into this black abyss of depression and self-loathing very nearly killed me. 
I tried to apologize - I tried to make amends. But how can you ever really do that? How does someone ever forgive you for that? And how do you forgive yourself???

That weight has been resting heavily on my shoulders all throughout 2014 and I don't know when it will go away - or if it ever will. 

That story is what my book, The Other Woman is based on. 

Have you ever done anything so awful that you don't know if you could ever forgive yourself? If so... how did you overcome it? 

And lastly - I started dating the handsome bearded fellow... Sam. 

I think what is different about us is that I actually finally stopped caring. That sounds like the most unromantic thing I've ever said but let me explain....
Throughout my life, I have been with over a handful of absolute knob-heads... which in no way means I am any kind of a Saint... but from drug-addicts to beaters, manipulators and cheaters, even obsessive and possessive. Throw a couple of crazies in there and you've spelled out my life story! I can tick them all off. So eventually, I just felt like my heart had been so destroyed that I genuinely couldn't love again. 
I tried. 
I had one or two absolute GEMS that I tried DESPERATELY hard to love. It wasn't them. It was me.... as cliche as that sounds. I just couldn't open my heart - though I tried so hard it seemed like I did love them. I tricked myself and I tricked them into thinking I was in love. As evil as that sounds, I really didn't mean it to be. 

So when Sam came around I was literally done. 
Ca-put with love. 
We went out a few times... both of us fresh out of relationships and feeling a bit lost... and he reawakened a certain spark in me that had been missing for so long. 
He challenged me. He wasn't over-the-top romantic or nauseatingly mushy. He was real... strong and manly.. yet so incredibly gentle. The definition of a big teddy bear (OK... Maybe more of a grizzly bear)... but he's my bear. 

It was the first time I entered into something with all my cards on the table. I told him EVERYTHING... and by everything, I mean everything. What did I have to lose anyway???? And Sam accepted it. He chose to love me with all of my flaws and imperfections.. the real ones. The ones that we try to hide away from even those that are closest to us. 

Have I found the guy I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?
Who knows - I'm not claiming to know the future. 
But I am happy - and I make him happy - and together we are growing and learning and being... as we should be. 
It's as simple as that.  

So that was pretty much my year. 
Not all it seemed to be cracked up to be from so many of my showy posts, was it??? 
We all have things behind the scenes. 
It's called real life... and I think we need to start facing it. 
Stop hiding it.
It's almost as bad as photogshopped models. They DO have stretch marks and cellulite and a bit of a wobble.... but people edit themselves so much... it's such a lie. 

This is life... now stop editing yours and worrying about being judged. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter... and those who matter don't mind!" - Dr Seuss. 

See you all in the New Year.

Peace, love and harmony to all.... and to all, a goodnight. 

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  1. Jade, this was an incredibly honest post...more people need to remember that we are living our lives which are not perfect... we make mistakes and then we get up and try to do better. Sometimes it takes multiple tries... plus we all make bad choices, we are not our mistakes but we learn from them...

    Good luck in 2015... I wish you happiness and peace♡

  2. this is a wonderful post, Jade. Thank you for sharing. I often watch YouTube beauty gurus and find myself getting super jealous. I'm always wondering "how can life be THIS PERFECT" ha. And you're completely right--I think all of us online personalities edit to showcase one specific part of us, or highlight the parts we think will make others like us. Oh, and don't worry about the friends thing--I have a hard time finding a good group of girls to go out with too. I literally only have three good friends I can trust, whom I've known over ten years. thank you for such an amazing post xoxoxo

  3. Jade you are incredible. Before I get into my comment I wanted to first reply to this what you said cause it brought me to tears :
    "It was the first time I entered into something with all my cards on the table. I told him EVERYTHING... and by everything, I mean everything. What did I have to lose anyway???? And Sam accepted it. He chose to love me with all of my flaws and imperfections.. the real ones. The ones that we try to hide away from even those that are closest to us."

    When I met my'bf' and I say that loosely because I have not even told my family or mentioned it on my blog that it is pretty much over, I went into it arms wide open, cards on the table. I also told him everything and he wasn't exactly okay with me telling him. He basically looked at me like "who does that" "who tells the person they are hooking up with their past".... but I did it because I wanted him to know in my life where I stood and the things I have done that I wasn't proud of. Of course, he threw everything into my face when he was angry which hurt me terribly.

    I am a good girl....I am not a saint, and have been foolish at times but my heart is in the right place. I too got involved with a guy who had a gf, but unlike you that you didn't know, I did know... but I still got involved because.... the heart wants what the heart wants.. simply and horribly put as that and he showed so much interest and acted like it was 'over' between him and his gf.

    I could kick myself looking back because I would hate if that were to happen to me and in the end I did get hurt, obviously... but I did learn. I am not perfect and we make mistakes.

    A lot of other things bother me of my past but I had to learn to allow myself to know that I am NOT there anymore. I am NOT that person, and we all do things in life which helps us learn. So, it doesn't make us any less of an amazing person, just keep positive and eventually you will look back and it will feel a little more accepting that you aren't there anymore. I am rambling. lol

    This post was raw, but it was also beautifully written and you are an amazing person. It is incredible what we can learn of someone by reading their thoughts and their lives.

    I am so glad you found Sam, your grizzly bear and that is so beautiful he can accept you for everything and that is a huge plus. <3 <3 <3

    Sorry to hear about your attempt and I am glad it never led to more than just that and you are okay. We get pushed to our limits sometimes. *hugs*

    I feel like I am bouncing around with comments. lol

    Also, in response to your comment on my post, I do see how much we are alike and it would be so awesome meeting up in the future for some travel fun! :)

    Stay sweet and beautiful and amazing ! Have a very lovely and terrific New Years. xx

  4. Hi Jade! Oh, I always prefer to say the truth rather than a lie, so kudos to you!:) Your nephew is so sweet, love that snap! Well done on the novel, must be an amazing feeling seeing your own work published. You and Sam are a beautiful couple and looking so cute together, my best wishes to you both. Happy New YEar, really hope it will be a better and happier 2015! xo

  5. Congrats on your book! That's amazing!
    Happy New Year
    I hope 2015 will be a great year for you!

  6. fisrtly i am super happy to see your post , i thought you will post in new year but happy to see oyu back.
    I always like how you describe even the most complicated things in such simple way . reading your post i always get some energy
    I really wish 2015 will bring you even more happiness, and so looking forward to see love birds settling down
    All the best for your book, i am sure its will be super successful
    Keep n touch

  7. Little Jenson is such a little doll, Jade! No doubt he loves you as much as you do him! Your ability to see what matters most in life is so very clear to me. Life hands us challenges, and it's a matter of learning from them and/or resolving matters--then, moving onward and upward. It's inspiring to see you are doing so--day by day. Hugs on your New Year, T.

  8. Thank you for sharing!!!!

  9. I like honest bloggers and thank you for sharing. I wish you a wonderful 2015 with happiness and love.

    Jasmine xx

  10. You're an author now. It's AMAZING!
    Life is unpredictable, hard and sometimes unbelievable. I am so glad you chose to be on honest side. Slitting your wrist doesn't sound good (don't do that again please) but the reason behind is so deep.
    Keep going on. Cross the hurdles and only care of people who care BACK. Don't cry over anyone who isn't a part of your life anymore.
    It's almost 2015. So good luck and so many wishes for you and Sam.

  11. Your nephew is really cute and you look wonderful!
    Congratulations of publishing your first novel!
    You and Sam match perfectly together:)
    Happy New Year!

  12. Hello my love... I really love the honesty in your post above. I can relate to many things. I've been off and on depressed my entire life, some years or months are worse than others, where all I want to do is to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like life is just too much sometimes and my self-imposed ridiculous measures of what perfection is and constantly trying to please people can be just too much sometimes.... Last Fall I fell into a hole and finally caved in November and went to my doctor.... which led me to almost dying from adverse reactions to the "medication". I was of the 2-3% of the population where people experience hives, extreme sweating (like you're going through menopause), swelling of the throat, lips, face, weeping sores on my face and legs that made me look like a fucking junkie... I had to see my doctor several times and beg to get off the shit because I felt like my quality of life was declining. I decided that I'd rather deal with life and it's tribulations on my own than some stupid pharmaceutical that was effective shutting down my organs and slowly leading me to develop an immune deficiency problem. Since that, I refuse to consume anything pharmaceutical unless my life depends on it. I will deal with problems head on, even if I'm a stubborn, immature beast that has temper tantrums, I can do anything. It's better than the alternative, in my opinion. So I know how you feel and I'm actually shocked but not surprised you slit your wrists. I think depression and suicidal thoughts are far more common and prevalent than what most think. I've blogged a lot about it in the past only because I don't give two shits who comes to my blog and reads it. Ultimately, it's there for me, to chronicle my thoughts on "paper" and get whatever might be bothering me or something that is weighing heavily on my mind. I was for the longest time ashamed of being a cutter in the past. I used to slice up my left arm pretty good, never anything crazy, I just wanted to feel pain, something other than hurt and alone and that emptiness. And most people will never understand that or where you're coming from. It's a distraction from reality and in some ways, it made me feel alive when I was sure to be dead inside.

    I'm 31 years old now and I've had my share of shit in life, but I have had my share of beautifulness, fun and great moments that will always be with me... but I've had my share of bullshit too, experimenting with drugs and what not and thankfully I never got sucked in too deep. I've just been through a lot, but haven't we all? We all have our stories and traumas, everyone is fighting their own fight. I think it's important to keep that perspective and know that we're not alone in this.

    And I too have problems making friends, especially of the female variety, because I just simply don't want to live with bullshit and drama that typically comes hand in hand with women....I definitely hear you there. I think the key is being authentic, though and being your true self. The good, the bad, the ugly.. everything. Be you and no one else. :)

    Happy New Year love, may you have the best 2015!! :)

  13. this post is so honest, thank you for sharing! sorry to hear about all you've had to go through, but i'm sure it'll all just make you stronger and help in shaping you as a person. and it's always important to remember that there was those happy moments as well! i hope 2015 will be much better for you, all the best! xx

  14. looks like lots of great things came to you this year! I wish you all the best for 2015!! As for any hard bits in life, no calm sea ever made a skillful sailor, that's what my nanny use to say to me :)

  15. Hun its been an eventful 2014 for me as well, but all in all I think these things happen so to prepare one for the next phase. Wishing a 2015 filled with Love , Laughter, great adventures. Happy New Year.



  16. Oh man, I don't even know what to say. Thank you for sharing and honesty is good. You didn't nearly kill anyone - it was his marriage and his choice to hurt is wife and lie to you. Don't carry around the burdens of others.

    I hope your parents manage to change their lifestyle - it doesn't sound nice watching that every evening.

    It sounds like you've had a great guy in your life now and I hope your second novel does as well as the first.

    Good luck in 2015.

    Corinne x

  17. Wow you had quite a year, but I'm glad you moved on!!!
    I wish you all the best in the year to come!!! ;) xoxo

  18. Jade you are an amazing writer. What an incredibly honest, raw, and real post. I applaud you for getting through lifes biggest challenges it continues to throw our way. Thank you for sharing your honesty with us. Your words truly make a difference.

    With love, and wishing you a better year <3


  19. I read this the other day and didn't know what to comment and today I still don't... I'm just sorry you went through all of this and you are so brave for putting it on here.

    I hope this year is much better for you and you are able to move on Jade.


  20. I had a lot of different feelings while reading this. In the end I just want to give you a hug. It takes a lot to say it all, and it seems like you have come so far. Just hold on and keep pushing.


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