Thursday, January 29, 2015

In Need Of Some Guidance

You know those days where you wake up and you just want to cry? For no apparent reason at all?

Well... this pretty much sums up how I feel today:

I lay in bed this morning and just had a good cry.
My life is so up in arms right now - above and beyond trying to stick out the next couple of months in this hell hole I call home with a desk job I love but right now just want to run away from, I'm also busy editing my novel and let me tell you that picking apart my book straight after finishing it is completely soul destroying.

Why else do I feel like this??? Well, because I'm so frustrated that I actually fear for the lives of anybody that comes across me today.

Let me explain.....

I just realized that I've only been back from my first travels of 2015 for ELEVEN days.. and already it feels like I've been back for a lifetime. 

I guess that's when you know there's a problem.

Can you remember when you were a kid? Around Christmas time or your birthday... you'd write a letter to Santa or a wishlist to you parents for what you wanted that year. 
It was always things like a new Nintendo game, the latest Barbie doll, a TY Beanie Baby, a Tamagotchi.. or in my case a little brother or sister (but that was just pushing it...).

Write your list now, of what you would want at this moment. 
What's on it???

When did we do the flip from wanting a little toy airplane to wanting that paper ticket to board a real plane? 
My list is filled with things that money can't buy. 
Things like freedom, wholeness and happiness. 
All I want in life is to travel the world...... (and maybe a new surfboard and a Go Pro camera.. and a manicure and pedicure because it actually pains me to look down at my nails right now).

But really... that is all I want. To travel the world with no limitations.

I don't want a day job, sitting behind a desk with a build up of admin papers so high I can't see over the top of them. 
I don't want the perfect house under my name and the fancy sports car that's entirely paid off. 
That isn't me. 
I used to think that some part of me wanted the double story beach house, a nice Ford to get around in and buckle my three hypothetical kids safely into while driving them to school.
I used to think I wanted the husband to cook meals for every night and a great career to brag about.
But I don't.

As the days have gone on lately I have realized that all I really want... is nothing. 

All I really want is nothing and everything all at once.
I want to travel the world with no obligations.. but it's been so drilled into my head that you need to marry and have kids that a part of me thinks I'm running out of time!
Get this... I meet this absolutely breathtaking bloke that is the DEFINITION of what I want for the life that I used to think I wanted.... and a HUGE part of me is petrified to let him slip through my fingers.

So what do I do???

Do I go off and adventure around the world carefree, relying on destiny and fate to one day bring me and this guy back together IF it's meant to be????
Or do I put aside these whimsical dreams of mine and just get on with life as it should be? As we're told it should be.

Or maybe it's because I used to dream of proposals and marriage, falling pregnant and living happily ever after so much that maybe now because none of that has happened for me I just really feel it isn't going to happen??? Maybe that's why I've moved on to dreaming about something new.

I have cats and a nephew that make it so hard to just GO for months on end anyway. I'd miss them terribly and my cats would more than likely disown me, my nephew would forget me... there's just so much to consider and things that could potentially break my heart in the process.
But counteracting that is the fact that you just can't escape the bitchiness that comes with living in a small town. Whether it be from friends, family or work-colleagues. 
There's a lot you can't escape... but that's been the one thing that's been bugging me a bit more than others lately. I just have this huge urge to run away and take all of those people that put you down or talk behind your back, look at you funny or are just downright mean and put them into a lockable box and bury them. Then I want to forget where I buried them while I'm off trotting around the globe, filling my heart and soul with INTERESTING and LIKE-MINDED people. I just want to get away.  

By 2pm I was feeling a lot better... 
I'd been in touch with some travel agents and pretty much secured my accommodation for my stay in the Philippines which I am VERY excited about. 
A whole week at a surf camp in South East Asia - ALONE. 
Angels are singing.

The only way to make yourself feel better about any situation you are in is to get on with it and figure it out. You are the only one that can fix your current rut. 
So that is what I am doing.. escaping for a while to Asian territory.. and after chatting with travel agents and a friendly Italian man named Gianni who runs the surf camp in the Philippines, I am feeling much more perked up. 
PLUS after work I have another Crossfit class and although I can hardly manage to pick up a kettle right now.. I am really keen for it!

Even though I said that you are the only person that can make the choices and fix things in your life... I still need some guidance from you all:

I consider many of you to be true friends to me after these years of connecting and keeping in touch and so your advice through the comment you leave me is always appreciated. 

I need help. 
Maybe this is all some sort of an alcohol withdrawal breakdown. I'm on day 4 of no drinking today and maybe my body is punishing me.
That must be it.

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  1. I feel like I know what you are going through. I actually got a life coach last year and it made me realize so much about myself. I am happier now than I ever have been. Maybe you should take some time to just think, reflect, and work on yourself. It did wonders for me. I have some exercises still from my life coach if you are interested email me! :)

  2. Oh wow, a week at a surf camp? Sounds amazing and I'm sure you'll have a great time. I spend a lot of time trying not to think about what you've been thinking about, it stresses me out to no end and I'm always torn between spending money and enjoying life and being sensible and settling down. Wah.

    Corinne x

  3. OMG! Is this a worldwide epidemic?! I feel exactly the same these past few days! Although mine is not due to alcohol withdrawal because I'm not really a drinker. Congrats on that major move, btw! Proud of you, girl!

    I think mine's more on hormones (PMS is a bitch!), a major change anticipated this year, being swamped at work at yes, life as we're told it should be. If given the chance, I'd also want to travel without limits. But I can't. Yet.

    I hope you get pass this one, girl. I hope you don't resort to drinking back. Well, I know you won't. From reading your posts, I've gathered that you're one tough lady! Am I right?

    Maybe to satiate your wanderlust, you can go travel once in a while, mini vacations in between grand vacations. So you don't miss traveling so much. Go surfing again. Find a new hobby, maybe. Well, I want to talk right? Haha.

    I've started immersing myself to dancing again. Just to pump up some happy hormones and to change my focus.

    Good luck to us!

  4. Very nice! I love this film ^^
    Would you like to follow each other on GFC? Please let me know if you’re up for it :)


  5. i really feel you. this is pretty much how i've been feeling lately and trying to figure out my life and what i want from it. which is basically just to travel at the moment (although i do still want the whole husband+children+nice family life thing, but i want that together with the freedom of doing what i want and going where i want, you know?). hope your week surfing will be just blissful and give you more energy to survive everyday life! also, can i come join you on your travels after i graduate, haha? xxx

  6. Hi Jade, I hope you're feeling better now. I don't usually give advice to anyone. I think life is very hard and you must live as you like and do the things you like. No matter what other people say. I always say that I'm happier now than 20 years ago, because I have all I want. Even if sometimes I work too much or are tired.

    Jasmine ♥♥♥

  7. It's a part of life, love. Peaks, valleys, ebbs and flows. Its also a part of getting older.
    Keep on, keepin' on. I'd LOVE nothing more than to see the world, be a philanthropist and give back, do enriching things that a job can teach or give you. Unfortunately money doesn't grow on trees, does it? Live each day but have things to look forward to and things you enjoy and find joy in.

    This, too, shall pass. Hugs girls xox



  8. I hate those mornings. I had a similar one the other day.
    I hope that you figure out what it is you want - maybe just focus on the whole travel thing first. Clear your mind once you're out there and maybe it will all become clear to you. Maybe you're looking too hard for the answer. Just let it be x

  9. I've been having bad days a lot lately!! I'm sort of the opposite-- I never go anywhere and just found out yest I have to move to Florida soon (long story but I live at home and my parents' cant afford our house!) devastated! gotta adopt your attitude of loving travel! xoxo

  10. Sending positive vibes your way :) x

  11. Well you're well aware I feel the same and though it is much to do with age for me what I failed to mention in my last post was how my direction in life has changed too. I feel exactly like you do. And what I want most and crave deep down is pure freedom. I want to be free to do as I please. Whether that is to sleep in in the mornings or type away stories all day in the sunshine or indulge in Chinese take-out and watch movies all night or to just pack my things and hop on a play sporadically, I want that. I hate feeling tied down and right now that is and has been my problem. I've also come to realise that I may not want kids. Have you been around them for extended periods of time? They're noisy buggers and quite frankly I just don't think I want to let go of putting myself first. That said if I were to meet a guy and he wanted kids I would have them. Not because he wants them but because there is a part of me that does and I know his enthusiasm for it would spark my own to life. And if he didn't want them that would be ok with me too. But if I were to stay single for the rest of my life so be it, as long as I were free and had my fur baby I would be happy as I pie. And I know deep down I would. What's been dragging me down is how everyone around me is just "defaulting" onto that family path and I'm kind of standing here alone. Worst still when I've told people how I may not want kids I'm faced with judgement or responses like "I could see you adopting". No. Adopting more fur babies, hell yeah but still. So much pressure to follow others and even some from myself too. I don't want to be left standing alone here but I also don't want to rush into things just for the sake of remaining relevant to people I've grown up with.


  12. Hello Jade, greetings and good wishes.

    It is true that only we can come out of our depression. Some will go into a monologue like you and get out of the gloomy mood. Not every one can go on foreign jaunts like you do for a change of scene. I just go for a long walk everyday morning and evening and think of positive things and the many blessings I have.

    As you said, I need nothing to make me happy. All the happiness lies inside me. If I control my thoughts I can control my feeling. Most of the time we let our negative thoughts destroy us and sap our energy. Negative thoughts are useless and unproductive.

    We have solved all our problems so far one way or the other. There is nothing to fear except fear itself. Actual happenings are less fearful than fearful imaginings.

    Hope you get a man of your choice and liking. A woman wanted to marry a man and she went to the Church and lit candles every day. She did not stop with this. She went after the man and washed and ironed his clothes. She cleaned his room. One fine day, he proposed to her and now they are happily married. This is just a story I cooked up by me.

    You may not get a man of your choice but you may get some one better than him. Man proposes and God disposes. All the carefully laid plans of men and mice often go astray.

    I enjoyed reading your interesting post.

    All the best

  13. I think what happens when you grow up is that you realize that you have to balance those things you want with the things you need. And sometimes the pendulum will swing more in one direction than the other. You don't need to tell me about dreading "responsibility" and what's "normal" - I refused to squeeze myself into those parameters and do things to buck the trend just because I can. That being said, some "normal" things are normal because that's the smartest and best way for things to be done. Not saying that it is for you, but it is for some people. I definitely get itchy feet every now and then and I consciously keep the amount of stuff tying me down to a bare minimum (it's really the horse, that's it). That's what gives me a certain level of comfort when I feel like the life around me is getting too vanilla

  14. I'm sorry Jade, I hope you are feeling better today. I don't like to give advice, I think sometimes it confuses the recipient even more. What I can offer is my own experience and thoughts. I find it hard to enjoy my own life when I'm caught up in the world of want, but if I get what I desired it usually doesn't live up to the strong desire I had initially. There was so much I wanted in my early twenties and it has all changed so much. What has changed most since then is that I've gotten to know myself better. I stopped listening to those around me and let me own voice grow stronger and louder. It's amazing how your life can transform when what you think about yourself matters more than the opinion of others.

    I hope this was short lived for you and that you are already feeling better.


  15. I know what you mean. I am currently halfway through a 2 month travel adventure in Singapore, Malaysia and the Philippines and I am already wondering when I will be able to go on another trip. My wanderlust is a serious problem.

    I have always struggled with finding that balance between my homesteader dreams and my wanderlust. I mean, they are extremely counterintuitive to each other. For now, I just enjoy the moments of my trip and when I get home, work all that much harder to get back out in the world.

    The hardest part of travel for me is leaving my dogs, family and friends behind.

    Thanks for your honestly in this post, I just stumbled across your blog and look forward to reading more about your adventures.

    Cheers and safe travels

  16. Oh my, sounds like you've got a lot to think about. So many decisions to make. My only advice is to not be in a big hurry to make any decisions. Give it some time. I think things will work out for you.

  17. Jade... the older I become the more I realize what you've already learned, so kudos to you there. Things are NOT important, people are and how I want to travel too... everywhere and anywhere, just go and fall in love with the world.

    I have responsibilities but one thing that I'm doing for me is starting a savings account just for travelling ...

    As for love, I don't know what to tell you... I've wanted it my whole life... I think if it fell on my lap I'd go for it but then I was SO burned by him, I wonder if I would.

    You have to do what's right for you... I know you will ♡


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