Many of my friends live alone - mainly men I'll admit, but many do.
Did I ever ask them what they do on those quiet evenings in by themselves??
I never really thought about what it would be like because I've always had people around me. I never thought living alone was a situation I'd find myself in.
Boy, did things change.
I'm not good at it, I don't like it. It's just not for me... which is funny considering I'm a writer and I love the quiet. I need to shack myself up into a dark little corner and get lost in writing for hours on end with no company.... but I like to know the company is there if I need it.
Such a contradiction, I know.
Sometimes, I can't stand people. I don't want to engage in pointless small talk or smile at people when I'm not in a smiley mood. Hell, if I want to leave my onesie on for twenty-four hours straight, keep my hair in a messy bun and if I want to go makeup free and not bother wasting a bottle of pricey perfume spritzing it all over myself - then that's what I want to do!
But when I do get like that, I usually just have to close a door to the outside world and open it back up if I need some contact. Living alone doesn't offer that. If I open a door, it's just as silent as it is with it closed... unless I ditch the onesie and go and find some poor person to deal with me. Sad fact.
That really killed my night. I tried EVERYTHING to open that jar... and ended up defeated. Usually I'd ask my (ex) fiance, my dad, my brother.... now, it was a battle between just me and the jar.
The jar won.
Apparantly there is actually a contraption you can buy called a Jar Opener.... I didn't know that. I don't know where to get one, but I need one. Can Christmas please hurry up???
Oh my God - I'm actually going to be waking up alone on Christmas morning. I think I literally just got clinically depressed.
Buying a first piece of furniture (a really stunning bookshelf) and realizing I can't carry it up the stairs by myself... you figure out pretty quickly that whether you want to be alone or not, you do need support in some areas.
but my God it's become worse.
About two weeks ago I was still feeling pretty heartbroken about my breakup and I was nursing a rather bad hangover - so I sat up in my bed, submerged under about four winter blankets, clutching pathetically onto my hot water bottle and stared at nothing in particular.... I just sat there in some sort of meditation, not really thinking of anything. I just didn't want to move. Eventually, I had to though (obviously).
So I caught myself say,"I don't really want to get up and do anything with my life today.... but I have to."
I was literally giving myself a motivational pep talk.
It made me laugh out loud.... which is awkward because your laughter fills the silence around you. Crickets......
Things got worse... because my cat hasn't joined me in my flat yet (crazy cat lady = sad), I live completely alone and the silence is literally deafening at times. So... much to my amusement... I plodded into my bathroom to brush my teeth and looked up to see a spider just living it up on my wall.
I kid you not... that's what went through my head.
Clearly I am in a very sad, sad stage in my life....
You know what really sucks about being single and living alone though? That I can't even watch the new season of American Horror Story - Freakshow. I tried watching the first episode on Monday night and it freaked the absolute hell out of me.
Those clowns! Argh.... I usually love a good horror or thriller, but not alone.
Unless it's The Walking Dead. That I can do.
But American Horror Story in my new little flat that I'm still getting used to....? Not gonna happen.
Now I have no one to curl into and clutch onto when I get scared. I have my hot water bottle..... that's it and that sucks. That sucks a lot.
On that note, my next big point would be:
Binging on television shows..... it happens. I was really excited to get into my flat because I had tons of series to watch. I had the final season of Hart of Dixie to get through, Bachelor in Paradise, After Paradise, American Horror Story, Suits etc.....
I thought I had enough to keep me busy for ages.... but the truth is that I had nothing else to do so I curled into my new bed and watched everything in almost one sitting and then I was stuck with nothing.
Make sure you have enough series to keep you busy. That, or books. Or if you're a writer like me, stop procrastinating and WRITE damnit! Far easier said than done...............
Right... onto a more serious note:
Dying. Honestly... I suffer from asthma and panic attacks. The fact that something could happen to me and no one would know or be able to help?? Pretty scary. I have no advice for this one... I'm still trying to figure out what I'd do.
I also heard that if you decide to live alone, your chances of getting depressed and / or suffering from real depression increases dramatically - so why I decided to live alone for the first time in the same month that my engagement crumbled and my Grandmother kicked it I don't know!
What was that noise??? If there's a knock on the door or something goes BUMP in the night, guess who's got to go and check? You.
On Monday night for instance, I made tuna pasta salad for myself. Cooking for one is pretty pooh, especially when you don't even have a kitchen in your flat - but I tried to make it work on my new Two-Plate Hot Stove.
It was only when I pulled out my onion that I realized I had nothing to chop it on.
5) More than 1 towel
Figuring out how to grocery shop for one.... HOW?! I bought a bag of banana's and a tub of yogurt etc and by the time I'd come down to the last banana it was brown and bruised and the yogurt kind of went all watery and sloppy.
If I buy things they usually go off before I have the chance to finish them!
Epic fail.... at least I got my milk right. No, I'm not pregnant. But I enjoy black coffee anyway so don't need much milk at all. The most funny thing in my shopping bags is definitely the tiny carton of milk you give to a child, it has the straw on the side of it and everything.
Hey... it's all I need.
I share a flat with my books and my macbook... and it's actually pretty cool for a writer like me. I can write, read, get drunk, dance, cook and BE - I'm discovering a side to myself I never knew was there. The side that is embracing being alone - a side that makes fun of myself and laughs out loud at random shit when no one else is going to laugh at me.
I think everyone in life does need to live alone at least for a bit.
You'll learn so much out about yourself.
I learned that I am a bit of a neat freak. I always knew that when I was upset, I cleaned. But living alone, I realized the extent of my cleanliness.
When I lived at home with my parents, we had a cleaning lady - so I got a bit lazy.... although I prefer to think of it as giving her something to do.... whereas now, it's just me that is going to make my bed and wash my coffee cup - so hey ho I do it! I get back to a pristinely clean flat after work and I love it.