Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Take Back My Life




My life has taken a major turn. Things have changed. I thought I was going to be a wife within the next six months. I was a fiance. I was happy. But now I have a wedding dress collecting dust. A dress I'm never going to wear. My ring finger is empty and my heart is shattered. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to finally write this down. I couldn’t for weeks now. It still hurts – and I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t been going to bed every night and crying myself to sleep.

A friend of mine, Tara over at Where Is Tara sent me a song (Fight Song by Rachel Platten) to try and cheer me up. To be honest, I couldn’t believe how completely perfect it was for my current … situation?
The lyrics – the strength.. even the music video was bang on perfect for what I am busy going through. Since the split, I have been focusing on just being me. Taking back my life and reconnecting with long lost friends. I’m overwhelmed by just how many people have been there to support me and try to make me smile.  
To me, this music video is following a heartbroken girl with a wardrobe literally completely replicating my own – who is trying to be OK. She’s going to be strong and move on. She’s got fight left in her which I really thought I didn't over the last few weeks. I was an absolute wreck… literally while my engagement was crumbling to dust my grandmother dropped dead. I moved into my own flat which was really exciting but living alone is lonely at times and I’m not used to that – and now I don’t even have Sam to be there.
Why did we break up? Well... there were many reasons and some I don't feel right about sharing with the world. But I can say that we both made huge mistakes... mistakes that were impossible to recover from. I wish him all of the best even with all of the hurt that has been done. That's really all I can say. 

So right now I'm just going to do what Rachel Platten sings about in this beautiful, encouraging song:


"Fight Song"
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me


Here's a couple of my memories over the past couple of weeks since my life, my future and everything about me changed. I think I'm living up to the song pretty well... as best I can anyway:

Meeting one of my long lost friends first baby! God... a) I'm getting old... b) my life really is going no where! Jokes...




Of course my best friend, Lucien, has been here all the time to support me and give me unconditional love. 





Then of course, one of my 'would-have-been' Bridesmaids.. Chanel.. precious girl time getting CRUNK in clubs and dancing our absolute asses off!


A disastrous amount of shooter which lead to this:

Don't ask.... just watch.

Reconnecting with an entire group of long lost friends... 


Endangering my life with fire dancing... I actually did burn myself....

Nephew time....


 Oh right.... a couple of you wanted pictures of my new flat. Well - there hasn't been many. I haven't had the time and there isn't really much to photograph to be fair... but I've included two below which I'm sure will do for now at least...



Enjoying a morning coffee in my cute little flat (v. proud of my bookshelf BTW!!)


 Right now, no, I'm not alright... but I will be. Time will heal my heartbreak and I will take my life back. As you can see, I've already started.

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17 comments:

  1. Oh, Jade, I am so sorry... I

    Probably everybody says you so, but let the time pass and heal the wound... Watch a good movie, get drunk, chat with friends, watch pictures from amazing trip you had and plan a new one to forget yourself in some activities... Maybe this time go for surfing in Marocco or Hawaii??? Or maybe you wish to visit me in Czech Republic??? Feel invited here anytime... I am hoping it will help you at least a bit...

    Sending you a HUGE VIRTUAL HUG!!!
    Anja

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  2. Damn Jo. If there were ever a song to inspire and (attempt) to pull you through then that is the one. That chorus is powerful so I hope you're singing it into your brush, staring yourself down in the bathroom mirror of your new place. A lot of things have come to end and with that marks the start of new beginnings too. It's hard to see now but it will all make sense somehow in the future. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I don't think I left my condolences in your last post (too busy feeling sorry for myself re being at home lol). And of course about Sam. My heart is breaking for you. I know how much you were looking forward to it. Alas the Universe has other plans for you my love. Bigger and better things always. Have faith and remember how amazing and awesome you are.

    Always here if you need,
    Sxx

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  3. Time heals everything. It sucks but just take it as slowly as you need to. I'm sorry all this happened. Let me know if there's anything I can do!!!

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  4. Jade... I'm NOT going to say a pat answer... I know how much worse that is...my man turned out to be a liar and frankly I think I wanted it to work out so that I could get over my David.

    I'm on the bus so I can't listen to the song yet but I will. I honestly want to believe in love again one day... I see people around me that have it... I've felt it..

    I know things are going to be painful for a long time... take as much time to grieve as you need... you are incredible and one day you'll get there. I will too..I believe we are here for more than heartache... we just have to hold on.

    Getting your own place was good... I've missed you Jade... I hope you find a reason to smile and have joy soon... you have a ton of people rooting for you... I'm sending out good thoughts to the universe for you xox ♡♡♡

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  5. Awwww so glad that the song helped! :) you're so brave for writing about this. You go girl. Sending you lots of good vibes. Xxxx

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  6. How dare you delete my comment and then ask me to re-write mine. j/k! You're lucky I love you, girl.

    I had a feeling that something awful had gone down with you and Sam. Part of me wanted to reach out and ask but part of me also didn't want to believe it, if that was in fact the case. I just saw how happy you were and sure I didn't see the whole picture and you both made huge mistakes... I was just happy that you were so happy. You will get through this even though it is shitty and everything seems shit right now.

    I was perusing your photos I think Sunday it was and I saw you posting several of you and your friends and then you and Lucien. I'm glad you have a pillar of support there for you. I wish you lived closer hun so I could give you so mad hugs and comfort. I'm always here for you if you need anything, be it screaming, yelling, crying or laughing. I'm here for you darling.

    Sending much love and light your way.
    xoxox
    Lindsay

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  7. Oh no I am so sorry to hear this! Having good friends to help you through this will definitely help, and it seems like you have a great support group by your side. I am sending lots of happy thoughts your way and hope that things will look up for you sooner than you know it!

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  8. Oh Jade I'm more than sorry to hear about this sudden change in your life. Breakups are horrible and painful and suck. I have never been engaged but I was with my last boyfriend for 10 years and when we broke up we had both made mistake that couldn't be fixed anymore. The worst thing is that you can't skip the process of hurting, you have to go through it and experience it in all its power. But from reading your blog I know you are a strong and positive person and I'm sure you'll gather all your positivity and love for life to overcome these hard times and move on soon.
    Wishing you all the best and sending you some good energy!

    Bad Taste Toast - A German/Australian Style Blog

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  9. Sorry to read about all that you have been through lately. I love that song. A good song can make such a huge difference in life when it is just the perfect one for what you are going through. I am glad you have some good friends to help you through everything right now. Things will get better again.... even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You are beautiful, strong, and have so much life ahead of you. :)

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  10. Jade, I'm so sorry about your break-up, and please accept my sympathies about the loss of your grandmother. I know this has been a very difficult time for you. I'm happy that you have so many good friends to support you and to help get you through this. You will be OK again. It will take time, but you will heal. Sending you big virtual hugs. xoxo

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  11. WHAT?! Oh, Jade I'm so sorry! I was so glad to read you'd gotten engaged - and to a bearded fellow, no less. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and it looks like you've got a wonderful support system around you - you'll be okay in time. I'm sure of it.

    Sending infinite hugs and kisses your way, hun.
    Christie's Take on Life. xxx

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  12. Jade, I was curious but didn't want to ask. I'm so glad you are feeling more open to talk about what happened.

    I am truly very sorry, and I know it is very hard.

    That song tho - I heard it on the radio this week and it is such a beautiful song.

    Your photos are so beautiful and you look stunning !!

    Be strong dear, you will get through this <3
    xx

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  13. So very sorry, Jade, to hear of your pain. Cry and journal and grieve. These things are necessary in the healing process and should never be something you feel you can't or shouldn't do. That one special person is out there, and he is going to be worth the wait when you meet him. You deserve only the best. Hugs to you, T.

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  14. Jade, I am so very sorry about this, but I know you will get through it. You seem like a very strong woman, and you will heal over time. Stay strong :)

    Marshall

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  15. Oh Jade, my lovely. I am SO sorry. This is horrid to hear and I wish there was something I could say, do to help. It feels like absolute hell now and I hope it will get better for you- I'm not going to say any platitudes or any sort of, "You will get through this," because it seems meaningless right now when you are there in the middle of the situation-hang in there and know that we who read this, care and hope for the best for you.x

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  16. I'm so sorry Jade. This must be heartbreaking and just overall a confusing time for you. I've been where you are right now and I felt so lost and alone, but I promise you things will get better with time. Just handle it one step and one day at a time.

    Sending you positive vibes from across the ocean Jade!

    Silvia

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  17. Jade! I've been neglectful! I have been 'unplugged' so to speak- for too long! I take my final exams in one weekend. I'm just taking it easy this morning and thought I'd check in on my blogging friends..
    So much has happened since I last checked in. If you want an ear to listen, you just let me know.. Sad to hear of the engagement ending.. hope you're hanging in. Chat soon friend.

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Jade