Thursday, March 3, 2016

What I Want To Do In Life

There comes a time in everyones life where everything falls apart. 
It's how you deal with it that defines you. 

When my world was turned upside down I became an absolute train-wreck. I handled everything so wrong. It's funny how it takes a couple of months to realise what we should have been doing all along, rather than wallowing in self-pity and drowning in gin and tonics.

My fiance had disappeared. My wedding was booked and paid for. My wedding dress was dangling in my cupboard, the diamante's sparkle hidden beneath its bag. I had framed photographs that seemed to pop up left, right and centre. Cards and letters, memories of my life and the life I should have had that floated around my life in a bubble of confusion and regret.
For months I wondered what I had done so wrong. How could this have happened? I blamed myself completely for not being good enough; for not being able to make him happy. I went through a colossal amount of self-doubt and I let it take over for so many months.

I don't know when it all changed.

Somewhere along the way, I got over it. Through all of those gin and tonics, the late nights dancing on tabletops and early mornings crying on friends' shoulders. Through all of those award-winning break-up mix-tapes I put together and ice cream tubs, chocolate cake and copious amounts of any kind of wine imaginable - I healed.
Not only that, I found a joy I had never known before.
A joy that is me.
Over the last couple of months since returning from South East Asia, I have become more me than ever before.

My entire life up until this point had revolved around men. I gave up so much for these long relationships that do not exist in my life anymore. I cancelled my plans to move back home to the UK when my ex told me he still loved me and didn't want me to go. I stayed in this tiny little town in South Africa for 18 years, chasing after someone else's dream and never my own.
I can't believe it took me so long to see that.

I have been in this oblivious comfort bubble, sugar-coated with fake love from men who at one stage or another go on to pursue their dreams without a second thought of me and my plans when I had given everything up for them.

It feels so incredibly refreshing and liberating to finally be able to focus on myself... to put myself first. It is such unfamiliar territory for me. Here I sit, in this beautiful little flat I rent by myself with the money I earn, sipping on a cup of rooibos tea sweetened with raw honey and listening to the sounds of my fridge gargling away in the kitchen.
I never thought I'd live alone.
I never thought I'd be alone.
But I am.... and you know what? I love it. I love it so much and I cannot understand why I had been so scared to be alone for all these years.

I have been working so hard, keeping my head down and gathering up some savings to do something just for me - without having to include or consider anyone else in my ambitions... and just recently I discovered what it is that I want to do with my life. I think I've known for years. Anyone who is a regular on this blog will know that what I want to do will of course involve traveling. "Travel is life..." that is my life motto and it always will be.

Even before I left school all those years ago, my mother kept trying to persuade me to go and work on the yachts / cruise ships. It had always appealed to me - but I'd been so caught up in romances and settling down at the horrifying age of 17 or possibly even younger that I passed it off as something I would never do.
So for the past eight years of my life, which is an extremely long time if you ask me, I have been plodding along, driving the same streets every day to get to my 9-5 desk jobs. Every day. What kind of a life is that!?

So many people consider that to be a normal life - and that's fine. It's completely your choice to think whatever you want - but for me, now, I have woken up. I want MORE.

I'm not just thinking about it anymore. I'm doing. I'm acting. I'm living.

I'm taking chances and taking my life back!

To work on the yachts you need to do your STCW '95 and have an ENG1 medical examination. There are plenty of other courses that you can do as well, but they are the basic mandatory ones for positions like a Stewardess etc.

I booked and paid for my course and medical exam last week.
Next week I will be packing a suitcase and heading to Cape Town to train. The course sounds so exciting, with fire-fighting and first-aid among other things included in it.
I am so ready for this change. I am ready to embrace the future and get away from working behind a desk... to see the world and meet new people. I KNOW life as a stewardess isn't as glamorous as it seems - people tell me you are basically an upper-class maid... and you know what? I'm fine with that. In fact, I want that.

If you'd asked me a year ago where my life would be today - my answer would be the furthest thing from this. Today, I should be married. In fact, I'd probably be on my honeymoon right now, making babies with a man that would have ended up hurting me somewhere down the line. But instead, I have found the most incredible friendships and support systems, I have spent my life savings on getting a qualification to work on the yachts and see the world. I am creating an entire new life for myself.

My life is changing and I am changing with it.

Last night I started packing up my life. I am simplifying everything, being ruthless and chucking away all that no longer serves me. And soon, I will be gone. Traveling to a foreign country and living the life I know I am meant to.
The life that is calling for me.

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  1. Jade! you are back! i missed all your posts.
    I am really happy, that you found the way how to enjoy your life again with full happiness :)
    To be honest in my case is totally opposite. Because I am single for a looong time I dont know how to be happy in any relationship.
    But enjoy your life!
    I am waiting for more updates now! I hope your dream will come true! Fingers crossed :)

  2. Really interesting post...thx for sharing! xx

  3. Ah, Jade. I knew you just needed some time and deep reflection to come out of this. Life is but a mystery at times, and good for you for standing up and taking your life by the reins and DOING. Men will always come and go but you must find what makes you happy within (I could take my own advice at times, I swear I'm not a hypocrit lol). Life is beautiful but short. Live life how YOU want it to be, not for a man.
    Love you girl!! ;-) xox

  4. Hi and welcome back! I'm so glad to hear that things are turning around and you have decided to take life by the reins and do what you really want! That is such a wonderful thing to be able to do. I still haven't quite figured out what my dream in life is, but perhaps one day it will come to me. Best of luck with your adventures!!

  5. Working on the cruise ship sounds like a grand adventure and like it will be a very good fit for you! Wishing you the best of luck. I hope it is all you want it to be and more. :)

  6. Jade, you sound so strong and confident! Your post made me smile today and I can feel the joy and excitement you feel as you as you jump into your next life adventure. I hope it's perfect and brings you so much happiness.


  7. Jade, Im happy that you have found something to be passionate about. If I was in your shoes I would go for it too... you are free and I think you definitely need to do whatever it is to make you happy.

    I also hope we get to hear about your travels so I can find more countries I want to visit. Have a wonderful week xox ♡♡♡

  8. glad that you're feeling better now and found something you want to do! good luck with the training! <3 xx

  9. This feels so close to home. I am currently where you were when it all collapsed. It's great to hear that you're in charge now :)

  10. I am sure that all what happened in your life is for good. The end of any kind of relationship is hard, but after we rise stronger, smarter and more self-conscious.
    I remember how painful my brake up was. Especially, that the guy was suppose to be 'Future-Husband-and-Father-of-Uncountable-Amount-of-Kids'. :/ When we split, I don't know what was harder- loosing him or acknowledging that loosing him was the best what could have happen.
    Our relationship was weird from the beginning. I was young and silly. I resigned from myself for us. I thought that this is how love works.
    Now looking from the distance, I am glad that life forced me to separate from him. After years of following somebody's idea of me, it was difficult to get to know myself, but I could not be happier than now.
    I am glad you have found a balance in your life again and that you made a peace with the universe. Remember to always follow your gut and never resign from yourself for anybody. Whomever will love you, he should love you who you are, not who they imagine you should be.
    Sending you lots of love from Czech Republic!

  11. Oh, Jade. I thought I missed you posting and hoped everything's okay. That maybe you're just busy enjoying life or something.

    I'm sorry to hear about the tough times. But girl you're one tough woman. See, you're bouncing back again. And I'm so happy to hear you've found joy. You've found yourself. Nothing more beautiful than that.

    I wish you all the best and continuous healing. Keep spreading positive vibes. You're an inspiration.


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