Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Tell Me What To Do

It's one of those days where I just want to pull the beige knitted shawl from Zara over my head, cradle a cup of green tea and try to forget the world. Nothing is going right. I'm beyond the point of sadness now. Moving to Europe and giving up everything in my old life was a tough decision - and now I'm not even sure if it was the right one.
I've always been a good worker. I'm motivated, driven and like to be proud of what I do... but I just can't seem to find a boat or a crew that stick. I have aways had long term jobs, my colleagues become my family. It's different in this industry. There's so much booze, sex and drugs and that's just not me. Don't get me wrong... I'm not a complete bore. I would just rather be outdoors, fishing, surfing, hiking or throwing a dinner party for my friends than getting wankered in a dingy old bar with people that scream over God-awful music so loud its a wonder half the yachties aren't deaf.
I had some day work on some boats over September and it felt so good to work again. Without work I get irritable. I like to know that I've done something with my day - feel useful, you know? But now it's back to the drawing board and the scary thing is that the season is almost over. There's little to no work here now unless you want to do a crossing to the Caribbean - which I don't. I never thought I'd hear myself say that... travel is my everything... but I've set up a new life here in Mallorca. I've got a cozy little home, friends, a guy that I've had a really wonderful couple of months with. But even that is getting strained now. Maybe it's me. Maybe I mess everything up intentionally when things get serious. Or maybe not... I told him I loved him on the dance floor, my arms wrapped around his neck as he was swaying with me to Sail Away by David Gray. It felt so right... and he'd said it once before over text (I hadn't known he'd been so drunk when he'd said it...). But when I said those three words... the words that scare seven types of hell out of me after Sam pretty much destroyed my heart, causing me so much hurt and stress that I broke out in Psoriasis and shut myself away for months becoming a complete heartbroken recluse... he took a step back and looked at me. Not the good kind of look. He stared at me for a moment and sort of sniggered.... I stood staring back at him, feeling my face flood with redness and regret. Why had I said it?? Up until this point I had been pretty sure I would never let love interfere with my life again. Fuck it, right? All it does it kill you in the end. Eventually he opened his mouth and the words that came out of his mouth brought me to instant tears. "Don't expect me to say it back. Don't expect anything from me."
Wow.
The first time I decide to chance it again - to let love in... to let my guard down. Shot down instantly. I was so confused. Why had he said it when he'd been drunk??? Things have been really sour between us ever since and I have no idea what to do. We've created some gorgeous memories and have been really happy for a while now - but is that all over?? Everything comes to an end eventually. I know that. I'm not naive. But it always hurts when things end.
To top it all off, my mothers trips to the AA meetings seemed to be going well - but it was all a lie. She's still drinking. Somehow the doctors think her liver is A-OK. God knows how with the amount she's slicked back over the past few years from 10am till 2am. Every day.
My brother smacked my car into the gate too. I miss having my independence and transport so bloody much. I hate being this useless version of myself with no job, no money, no car... no nothing. What am I supposed to be doing in my life???? Should I even be in Mallorca? Before moving here I was in such a stable, good job in the gallery. I had my car, my flat, my life. But I gave it all up for this bright new world but it's just been one massive thunderstorm.
I just want to know that someone out there loves me. That sounds so ridiculous.... I know. But is it really that hard to find someone willing to love me and hell, bring my a bloody flower????
Yes, I know I say I hate flowers as gifts but it is the thought that counts. Granted I'd rather have a bonsai.... something I could nurture and watch grow rather than a flower that no matter how many times I water it will just wither and die in the end anyway. And what about this stupid Facebook lark? I just can't find someone willing to publicly say they are in a relationship with me. That sounds stupid too.... but I see other couples putting on their relationship status' every single day... but me??? No one ever wants to. Am I being stupid??? Them wanting to hide me online so they can chat to all these other women etc.... it's been my life story for as long as I can remember. I'm over it. I just want commitment. Love. Happiness.
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have options. Endless options.

1. Stay in Mallorca, try to find work on the yachts, forget about love because it's becoming infinitely clear that I am in fact unlovable... plod along sporting a very nice tan.

2. Go to Manchester and invade my poor cousins life... look for work there. Lose aforementioned tan. Probably spend my measly savings getting drunk on beer in a dark and dingy pub (minus the yachties... thank God).

3. Crack open my savings account and go to India. Call an ashram home for a while.. try to find peace of mind, peace in my soul. Yoga. Meditation. Silence retreats. Art. Really fucking hot curry. Yum.

4. Buy a one-way ticket to Ireland, the place I have always wanted to go. Sign up for Wwoofing so I can get free accomodation, shovel some cow shit around for a few hours a day in exchange for a bed and a meal... Probably spend my measly savings getting drunk on beer in a dark and dingy pub (minus the yachties but plus the sexy Irish accent that makes me swoon...)

5. Why didn't I say this before? Go back to South Africa. See my cats that I am really starting to miss... my dogs. My family??? Get my car back. Probably try move to Cape Town or somewhere out of the shitty little town of Knysna. Find a job doing something... anything. Why didn't I say that??? Because I've left South Africa behind me already. That was a big move... I can't just go back. That would be like life winning and me failing....

Any other suggestions??? Please tell me. I need to know what the hell to do.


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5 comments:

  1. My vote is for Ireland because I love it there, and if I wasn't tethered here that is where I would go. Also you could come to the US, even in my little town waitresses make good money and you could find a nice little place for yourself. My husband and I would be happy to help you! However traveling form the US is pretty hard, and I have no idea how to become a citizen. Ugh. I feel so useless, hun I'm sorry!

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  2. Hello Jade,

    You don`t know me at all because I never posted a comment here or wrote a message to you but I did read every single one of your posts as well as watched all of your YouTube videos and with all my honesty I can say "I love you". Obviosuly not in any romantic or creepy way :) But I really love your passion for life and admire you as a person. Every time I watch your video I get inspired and get such big boost of positive energy from you that today in a moment when you might not see it in yourself I just want to tell you that you are an amazing person and I am 100% sure that there is a lot of love coming in your direction maybe not today or tomorrow but very soon.
    If it`s going about your decision what to do if I were you I would certainly go to Irealand it is so close since you`re already in Europe and i think that this slight change of perspective as well as your surroundings will let you make future decidions. And hey! We all watched Ps. I love you so we know how great irish pubs can turn out for a single girl :)
    So anyway I`ll finish my rambling and just give you last piece of advice if I may- Travel is life and if you never traveled it`s like you only read one page from a story called "life" and every place and every travel tells you something about yourself so as long are you keep on wandering through the world you are not lost because your finding yourself over and over again.

    Take care, I wish you all the best
    Susana

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  3. Oh honey ... :( my heart hurts for you. I know this isnt what you want to hear, or I should say this isn't coming from whom you want it to, but I love you girl. Thousands of miles away and I've never met you but I care and love you. Hang in there..

    You had told me about your parents, your mom especially. Was she saying she was going to AA but then wasn't? That's sad and disappointing... and how in the hell isnher live functioning, if she's been this alcoholic for years and years? That kind of shit baffles me.

    I say #3 or #5. Go with your gut though. You're not a failure Jade, were all just trying to find out way on this earth and some others have is far easier than some.

    Sending massive hugs from Canada sweet pea.

    xoxo

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  4. Oh, Jade.

    The last time I visited you were having the time of your life. It's not a good surprise to find this. I'm sorry that things aren't going the way you wanted it. I'd love to see the happy you again. But this is part of life. It sucks I know. I've always questioned God why it has to be so hard for me. Have I done anything wrong that life keeps messing up? I try to be good but why. Oh, those are melodramatic times for me.

    I've considered you my friend and I don't like it knowing you're going through some shitty stuff. I really hope things would turn around for you.

    Go to Ireland, go to India. Wherever you think should be good for you. Where it is, I do hope you find yourself; who you ought to be, what you should really do. I know it's not easy. Heck, I'm still figuring things out myself.

    No matter what, girl, know that you're gorgeous, you're worthy of love and a great life. I think we need to meet the wrong people first and stumble a lot of times before we can finally get to where we should be.

    All the best!

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  5. Oh Jade I had no idea you'd moved to Mallorca. I went to school with a girl whose been living the cruise life for the past 10 years. Though I think she's more based in the Caribbean. Is there perhaps anything else you could be doing in Mallorca? Like teaching english or even freelancing for a magazine?

    I don't know what you should do. It sounds like you heart is pulling you back to SA. Would a small trip back to see your pets and family be in the cards right now? Like a week or two week trip? It might help get your bearing and give you some much needed clarity on the matter. Don't give up on love just yet. It's there for you, the right guy is out there, trust that the universe will bring him to you. Keep telling yourself positive things, not that you're unlucky or that it isn't meant for you because when you say such things it'll soon become your reality. You're a beautiful girl with a gorgeous soul. You do deserve all good and you do deserve a guy who will love you irrevocably. Don't forget that. Ever!

    Sxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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Jade