Traveler. Novelist. Freelance Writer. Blogger. Surfer. Artist. Crazy Cat Lady.

Traveler. Novelist. Freelance Writer. Blogger. Surfer. Artist. Crazy Cat Lady.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

All I Want Is a Keyring

I'm lying on my bed in a grey concert t-shirt, ripped denim shorts (with an extremely unfortunate hole in the rear...). Barefoot with chipped nail polish. I am the definition of flawless, no? *inset sarcasm here*
I'm looking around the room with its mandarin glow and dark wooden wicker cabinets. The fridge is gurgling away, there's a pigeon cooing right outside my window and the sound of a dog barking somewhere in the distance. It's such a tranquil place and I can't believe it's all coming to an end so quickly. 

Two months has flown by. I took a three month lease on this apartment when I arrived in Cape Town, South Africa. Somehow, I landed a job at one of the best art galleries in the world. Things all seemed to fall right into place for me when I first got here. I gave myself the time limit of three months to make things work. If they didn't, I had no choice but to return to the yachts and earn some Euros. My mission was simple: Find a good job, a flat... create a life here. Luckily, the job is going swimmingly.. but my lease expires in a month and then I will be homeless. Again. Shit. 
As much as I would love to stay in the place I am currently in, it's far too expensive. So I have been scouring the internet in search of a new place to call home. 
I fell in love with one tiny studio apartment in a complex nestled in the heart of the city. It had a little balcony and a view of the wondrous Table Mountain. Sadly, I couldn't take it. The one thing about living in the city is that most of the places don't offer secure parking. That meant that I would have to park on the streets which for South Africa in general just isn't a good idea.... it just wasn't a safe option for a single female walking home at night after work. I persevered and had flat options spilling out of my head - it was overwhelming looking at all of these places but there was nothing that seemed quite right.

The area that I am in now is out of the city. I live in Table View which is a stunning area close to the beach and far quieter too - the commute is just over an hour to get to work every morning but I really don't mind it. I've been listening to audiobooks while stuck in the traffic and it is a fantastic way to read more books each month. So - tomorrow, I am viewing a little studio apartment in a complex with secure parking ACROSS THE ROAD from the beach... it has a balcony overlooking the ocean and you can even see Table Mountain in the distance. I'm trying not to get my hopes up for it but I'm not going to lie, I have already been trolling Pinterest since 5am this morning looking at ways to decorate it. 

I know it sounds so silly - but I really just want a key ring. 

My whole life I have traveled the world, never really settling anywhere. It has never appealed to me. I've always been so free-spirited and have never wanted commitments or to be tied down. I don't know - maybe this change is due to my progression into my late twenties next month... I'm not sure what it is, but SOMETHING has me wanting to lay down some roots for once. 
I WANT to have a set of keys in the palm of my hand with a keyring on it. My keyring. I have never needed one before because my address was constantly changing. I guess the yearning for a keyring might sound a bit pathetic to you - but to me, it's symbolic. To me, that keyring will mean so much more than just a tacky piece of plastic. It will be SO special. I want the right keyring too. Something specific. Something.... 'me.'

I might not be able to afford the most amazing place... I might be paying off someone else's mortgage and bond.... but I have to start somewhere. 

I have a good feeling I am going to be taking this place I see tomorrow. Everything about it, from the pictures I have studied intensely over the last few days, screams ME.


I also know it is going to take time to set it up the way that I want it to be. It isn't going to be perfectly decorated within the first week of moving in. It's going to take time. I need to save money and slowly get it to where I want it to be. I mean, the place is completely unfurnished so in the beginning I am literally going to be focusing on the essentials: a mattress, bedding, a fridge, a washing machine (I NEVER thought I'd hear myself say that I need to buy myself a washing machine... I mean.... WHAT???), kitchen utensils. The list is actually endless! Thank God the stove is fitted in the kitchen already. One less thing to worry about. 
It is going to be a major work in progress and it will probably take months before I get it to where I want it to be. 

I do regret not using my savings from the yachts more wisely - saving it away to decorate this flat would have been SO handy right now... but we live and we learn, right? 

Winter is coming. I can just picture it in my head, cozied up in my new apartment on a shaggy rug, sipping a cup of tea and staring out at the waves.. writing my novels, reading books, filming my Youtube videos...  It will be the first place in my entire life that really feels like it is MINE because I will have my own furniture for the very first time. I will own things!!! I have never owned things like that before. Quite sad for someone in their late twenties, no? But my priorities were different then. Things have changed... and I am embracing everything that life is throwing my way. 
The place I am writing this from has never really felt like home. No where has really ever quite felt like 'home' because these places were always other peoples. It was their stuff. 
I am so excited to finally feel like I have a home. I feel like this is a monumental moment in my life because I was the person that never wanted a home. Everyone thought I was weird... globe trotting, sporadic, always on the move. I never really cared what people thought, I just thought they had different priorities to me. While they were studying to get degrees, saving to buy a house and getting married, popping out a family... I was wheeling my suitcase around airports, learning new cultures in South East Asia, trying new foods in dodgy markets in the streets of London, dying from sea sickness on a passage from Italy to Spain, exploring mountains in Switzerland and white-water rafting through Austria. I am not saying that I don't want to travel again. OF COUSE I do. I think once the travel bug bites, it never quite goes away. But I have seen a lot of the world already, more than most... and I will never regret that. I so so blessed to have been able to SEE the world that so many often only dream about... and I will continue to travel. I want to go snowboarding in Canada, devote myself to selfless service in India and experience a hot air balloon festival in Turkey.... and I will do those things. Eventually. Right now though, I want make a home and a life for myself. Here. In Cape Town. 
My mindset has altered so much recently.... not only do I want a home.... but I'm even considering one day having a family of my own. Babies have never appealed to me. I love children, don't get me wrong.. I'm good with children. But I never wanted them myself. But now??? I'm thinking about it. I'm not quite 'there' yet.... I am still very uncertain as to whether the life I lead (still writing and traveling...) would ever be a good fit for a child.... I will admit it, I am selfish. I like doing what I want, when I want... and if I have a child, they will come first. It won't be 'my life' anymore. And that scares me. That scares me a lot. 
But.... I'm opening up to the idea of having my own family one day. 
One thing that has never changed is that I know ONE DAY when I can afford a place that is pet friendly, I'll get my Collie Dog. I have wanted one for years and have always spoken about it. I will have a collie dog and a cat - and perhaps a fish... one day. Perhaps I can even get a fish in my new flat from June. Maybe that's a good place to start. A fish.... and a cactus. 
Name suggestions for my future scaley friend welcome in the comments below.    





post signature

Friday, April 21, 2017

November 9 by Colleen Hoover | Book Review

No automatic alt text available.

Image result for 4 stars

4/5 Stars for November 9!


A love story about a writer and his unexpected muse... it sounds cliche, no? Believe me when I say this book is far from that!!!

Our main character is Fallon, a once up and coming actress who got 30% of her body burnt in a fire, instantly bringing her acting career to an end.  On the anniversary of the day of the fire, she meets Ben, an aspiring writer. Their spark is instant and undeniable but their time together is short as she is just about to move across the country to New York to try and pursue acting again. 
Their crazy whirlwind romance ends with them promising to meet up every year on the day they met to see where their lives are - and this inspires Ben's debut novel. As Fallon begins to read snippets of the book she starts to wonder if Ben is being honest about how he knows her and if some of the horrific parts of his novel are fabricated or the heart-crushing truth...... 

This book is sectioned off in the years that follow, based on the day that they met, November 9th. 

Confession. I am a full-blown Colleen Hoover addict. She is a drug. Like cocaine... but this is CoHo.... and I should really be in rehab right now but I just can't stop devouring her books!

No automatic alt text available.
You need to be a certain type of person to enjoy Colleen Hoover's writing. You need to be brave... really brave... and strong, because her books really will tear you apart. You also need to be sexual (if 50 Shades was too much for you then don't even go near her books... BUT... you should... because they are fan-bloody-tastic!). You also need to be open-minded. You need to have a certain sense of humor... almost dry humor. Sadistic humor. 

FYI: Read Ugly Love before you read November 9. Some of the characters from Ugly Love are IN November 9 which was such a stunning surprise!!! Really enjoyable if you're a die hard CoHo fan like myself...




At the start of this book I was thinking to myself, hmm this seems an awful lot like 'One Day' by David Nichols.... two people meeting up once a year on the same day and seeing where their lives are at etc etc... then it actually REFERENCES One Day as well... Now, One Day is my all time favorite book... and although they are very similar in some ways, they are entirely different in others.  
This is an absolute gem of a novel, brimming with unforgettably earth-shattering quotes and a love truly like no other (as cliche as that may sound... trust me). 

Once again, Colleen Hoover had me whimpering and sobbing in a corner - not ready to face the world for a while. Her books are SO full of love and angst - it's the most incredible combination and she pulls it off every single time. 
The plot twists were jaw-dropping and left me curled up in a devastated heap under my blankets. 
This book will also change your perspective on instalove (which lets face it, we all pretty much despise in books!!). ONLY Colleen Hoover has the ability to do that. 

Image may contain: one or more people, guitar and indoorFallon as the main character..... Okay, I love how you get her growing confidence throughout the novel and it IS wonderful to have an MC that isn't some beautiful girl ... she's scarred. Literally... and with someone with a skin problem like myself, it added so much more depth to the story. It inspired me. My condition is nothing like hers, having 30% of your body burnt from a fire... It makes me feel blessed to have such minimal problems in comparison, but this book really gave ME confidence somehow too. The love interest Ben makes Fallon feel beautiful, even more beautiful than before the fire... and that is so stunning.... when she gets to the stage where she OWNS her scars... I just love it. SO inspiring.  
There were things I didn't like about her character though... I felt like she was far too dramatic, riddled in jealousy... there were just a few things that I wasn't entirely happy about. I also found a fair bit of this novel to be far too cheesy, cringe-worthy and dramatic...
I listened to this book on Audible. You know... I keep SAYING this about CoHo's audiobooks.... something is just off with them. This one for instance, the female narrator spoke in slow motion. It was ridiculous. It just sounds SO computerized and weird... but besides that, I loved the story.
One other thing I actually found really enjoyable about this book was that Fallon's job is as a narrator for audiobooks and the love interest, Ben, is an aspiring writer who starts working on his debut novel which is all about his unique and heartbreaking relationship with Fallon. Ben as the love interest - the majority of CoHo addicts adore him. I'm torn. He's cheeky - which is good - but perhaps a little too cheeky and sexual.... SOMETIMES I feel like Colleen Hoover's books and characters can get a bit carried away sexually. Her sex scenes are PHENOMENAL and for the most part, elegantly done... but sometimes toning it down just a tad would do wonders.

post signature
Overall, I loved it. I love all of her books. I love Colleen Hoover in general and I think her books and my books should just go off and have little bestselling JACO (Jade / Colleen) babies. 

Saturday, April 15, 2017

The After Effects of a Break-Up

Image may contain: 1 person
Right... I feel like it is time to write again. Write something. Write anything. I guess a life update would be a great start... don't expect this writing to be profound and groundbreaking. This is just me placing my fingertips on the keyboard and letting the words spill out of me. This is me listening to the pitter patter of the keys as my hands glide across the board effortlessly. It is like second-nature to me... and it has been so long since I have just typed... just let it out. So here goes.... 

Besides my last two posts which are both book reviews (nothing personal to see there...), the last 'personal' post I wrote on here was on the 25th January.



I was still in Mallorca, Spain. 
I was battling with a lot of demons in my mind. 
I weighed a mere 36kg because of stress and heartbreak. 
I was in the darkest place I have ever been. 


On the 24th January something inside of me snapped. It was like I had finally woken up and realized I deserved more. I had heard something that altered my perspective completely: 

"If you're falling asleep next to somebody every night but yet you still feel alone, why not rather be alone?"

Image may contain: 1 person

On the 25th January, I changed my life after months of trying to figure out what the hell to do. On the one end, I was in love - besotted and yet heartbroken over a man that had disrespected me for over a year. A man who cheated on me with 8 women and never considered me a priority. I was lied to and I was hurt. I was made out to be the crazy one - and perhaps I was. I was crazy to have stayed in that situation for as long as I did... but what people who haven't been in that kind of situation before don't realize is that there is so much more than meets the eye. You'd think after what my ex did to me, it would be an easy decision to just 'walk-away' and 'move on'... I wish it was that simple. I think that's how you know you really loved someone... but it was more than even that. I had attached myself to him in a way no body will ever understand. He was the first guy I fell for after my ex fiance. He meant everything to me. I had come so close to a life of marriage and babies - a life so many of my friends are venturing into right now and leaving me far behind on the other end of the proverbial field... whereas a few years ago I thought I'd be the one at the end of the finish line waiting for them there. I never thought it would be the other way around. 
So.... when I met Simon, I did everything possible to make us work. I gave up my amazing job at the art gallery and fought fires (literally), qualified to work on the yachts and then moved all the way from South Africa to Spain. I realize NOW how stupid I was to be the way that I was. I'd have literally done anything for him if he asked me to... and now I see a relationship shouldn't be that way. From here on in I am done with putting other people first. I need to respect myself enough to go after what I WANT in life - and yes, I wanted him and I went for that... but I didn't factor in that he's another person and he has his own set of WANTS too (had I known from the start his wants were a million other women to juggle and string along things would be mighty different right now). I didn't think of his wants though.... and I didn't think about the fact that I didn't WANT to work on the yachts and scrub people's skid-marks off of the inside of the toilet bowl. I didn't WANT to leave my cat and my nephew and my car. In Spain I became completely reliant on Simon and let me tell you this - I NEVER 'WANT' to feel that way again. But I digress.... 
Let me be honest. It was a fun year for the most part. We had a lot of fun together.. surfing, fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking... it was great. It's a life I loved in fact but then I found out about all those women after MONTHS of me wondering and asking him if there's anything I should be worried about. I guess in my mind I always knew he was cheating on me, I just didn't want to believe it... and every time I asked him why he put his phone away every time I came close or didn't answer a phone call because I was there he always told me I'm imagining things. I'm causing problems out of nothing... and I started to believe that. He made me question my own sanity but deep down I always KNEW something was very, very wrong.
We made the decision to stay together after I found out about the cheating. Everyone warned me against it, even his own friends. They all said if I do choose to stay then I need to be able to put the past behind us and start fresh. I tried... but I just couldn't do it. 
I was so petrified every time that asshole was on his phone. I constantly wondered who he was texting, where he was, who he was with etc etc etc... it was so unhealthy...
Because I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't get past my fears we started to argue.. a lot. That arguing turned into vile, violent anger. We were toxic... and a lot of it was my fault because I chose to stay when I should have walked away. 
It got to the stage where he didn't spend any time with me because every time we did have together was awkward, awful and we always wound up in a fight. I used what he did to me as ammunition and that's something you really can't do if you choose to take back someone that has cheated on you. Look, personally if someone ever cheats on me again I would never stay. Not for one second. I learned the hard way. I don't think you can ever truly get over it when you've been cheated on.... I know I couldn't. 
But I digress, again.
So.. without us spending any time together we couldn't heal. It was useless and day by day I withered away to skin and bone with blood-shot puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep every night. I wasn't eating because I was so broken that I'd lost every inch of my usually phenomenal appetite.
In layman terms.... I was fucked.
Making the decision to leave was the hardest thing I have ever done. Walking away from someone you do love regardless of how badly they have hurt you is gut-wrenching... but I finally made the decision when our fights when us both with scratches and bruises, smashed up phones and broken surfboards. It was absolutely disgusting. I was shattered, embarrassed and done. 
Image may contain: 1 personI went to the airport with no flights booked and no plan. Funnily enough, that had always been my dream. Absolute freedom. But because of my relationship I hadn't left Mallorca to work on proper yachts so I had hardly no money. I felt hopeless, useless and confused. I didn't know where to go. I wanted to go back home to my family, I'd never needed them more... but the flights to South Africa were too expensive. I felt stuck in Spain and I just wanted out. 
Eventually a plan formulated. Ireland. The one place I have always had to go to before I die. So I hopped onto the first flight out of Mallorca which just happened to be going to Madrid. 
I cannot express that feeling of lifting off the airport runway and knowing I would never be returning to Mallorca. The place I had thought would be my new forever home. My dreams were crushed, my heart was broken. I cried. I didn't stop crying for hours. 
I took a taxi to a hotel and was so broken I fell onto the bed and sobbed myself to sleep. Waking up the next morning alone in a strange hotel room, reality hit. I was out. It was a confusing feeling.. I was free from that God awful relationship but I was going to miss so much about us. Before I'd found out about what he did behind my back, we'd had such an incredible time together... so much so that I was in disbelief that he could have ever wanted to cheat and flirt with other women... I just didn't get it. It had all been a lie. 
I flew to Dublin and stayed in a tower overlooking the ocean for about a week with an unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage under the sun. If there was one way to get over heartbreak, this was it. 
I wish I'd seen more of Ireland but with my limited funds I couldn't explore much or even really do much. But I did see Temple Bar and meet some of my amazing friends.

Image may contain: 1 person

On my first day in Ireland I discovered that my ex was already back on Tinder (another thing he'd been doing throughout our entire year together behind my back.... How fucking embarrassing!). I say I discovered that he was already back on Tinder but really, he was probably never off it in the first place. This was another huge blow. I'd left him and he didn't care. He felt no remorse. He didn't even give himself a chance to miss me... just hopped right back on to find his next victims. I shouldn't have expected anything less... once again. 
What I really didn't expect though was when he decided it was a good idea to bring the first girl he ever slept with behind my back to South Africa with him for the holiday that we had planned together. He took her to all the places he'd promised to take me and did all the things we had planned to do together.  
It's all a bit sickening and twisted to see just how easily he can slot in another woman to take do all the same things as we did together. It's also insulting... but should I expect any less from a man who did what he did? A man like that.... not a 'man' at all really.   
They are together now... and I feel sorry for her. He's a narcissistic asshole and he's never going to change. Never. He will never treat a woman well and he's already sending me pictures, recipes and messages again - completely ignoring my request that he leave me the hell alone. Who does that!? The prick cheats and hurts me more than I have ever been hurt, gets with the one girl he KNOWS would shatter me completely and then starts sending me videos of his bratty child surfing. Like I CARE about him and his child anymore. FYI. I don't. Send those pictures to your new Spanish slut, please and thank you. Leave me out of your pathetic going no where life. 
BUT I DIGRESS.... once again.

Image may contain: 1 person, smilingGetting back to South Africa I knew I didn't want to stay in Knysna. I'd written my mother out of my life and going back there would have felt like going backwards in life. So... while I was busy trying to figure out if I wanted to move to England, PE, Cape Town or Durban (JHB was never an option... obviously) or go and live in a bungalow in Bali for a few months and finally finish my novel... I met a guy. We clicked instantly and had an intense spark - he also lived in a part of Cape Town I had fallen head over heels with a year beforehand and so I made my decision. 
Now, this may sound like I am cocking my life up all over again.. moving to Cape Town for a guy just like I moved to Spain for one.. BUT I didn't move here for him. I moved here for me. It was already one of my options. And the second I got here I scoured the internet and found my own flat and got a job within a few days. Sadly that jobs salary was pathetic but then life decided to be nice to me for the first time in a while. 
I was offered my dream job here - at an art gallery close to the Waterfront. I am back in the world of art and adjusting to city life... I am happy. As happy as I am now though, I am still in a very bad place in my head. I can't trust... my confidence is gone... my insecurities have taken over my life and I hate it. It does effect my relationship - and sometimes I do wonder if I got into something else far too soon. It isn't fair on him for me to be so scared and cautious... but he's so understanding and he needs to be because with my history, it is going to take a lot to get me to trust... if I ever even will. Above and beyond my major trust issues now, I also have this heavy fear of being unlovable. Sam and Simon really shaped that fear for me... so did my mother. I need so much reassurance now. And I'm really confused and torn because as much as the word 'love' petrifies me, it's all I want to hear. It's all I need to hear. I want to feel loved again. I think I was so used to being in these long term relationships where the 'Í love you's ' were in abundance... and yet now I haven't heard those three words for so long... I miss them. I want them back. I want to feel loved. But.... I don't know if I can actually love again. I don't feel like I can love anyone anymore, not even my family. That's horrible to admit... but I've closed myself off to it completely. My love has been so disrespected that I think all the love I had to give is gone. I don't want to allow myself to love again because it just ends in pain. Everyone always lets you down. Everyone always ends up leaving. 
I don't mean to sound so miserable... because I'm actually not! I am happy. I feel so much better now that I have left behind my ex and Spain...  it's just left me a bit, damaged. 

Image may contain: ocean, sky, outdoor, nature and water


post signature

Holy Cow: A Modern Day Dairy Tale by David Duchovny | Book Review

Image result for david duchovny holy cow

Image result for 5 stars
5/5 stars!!!

This is a eminently comical book filled with wise-cracks and wit but has surprisingly and effortlessly delivered some really important messages about acceptance, culture, mutual respect and understanding. 
It is a reminder that animals are not the mindless beasts purely there to serve and feed us as many of us in the human race seem to think they are. 
One thing that our MC, Elsie the cow, says in this book really stood out to me. She said something along the lines of: humans shouldn't have the privilege of being called an animal because we don't deserve it. She says that she thanks every blade of grass when she's grazing in the field. 
That's respect for nature at its finest and it is how many of us forget to be. While getting that point across, Duchovny doesn't do it in a preachy way. It's lighthearted and it's FUNNY. 
It's a completely crazy (yet oh so very true!) globe-trotting story that requires you to leave your sense of reality behind. 
Image result for david duchovny holy cow
This is a bizarre tale of an American cow who sneaks out from her pasture to go flirt with the bulls but instead ends up discovering the horrors of the slaughter house. Planning her escape to a safer life in India where cows are holy and worshiped, she embarks on a journey with two unlikely companions, a pig called Shalom, who has recently converted to Judaism and Tom the Turkey who can't fly. 
The writing is absolutely fantastic. I am so impressed with David Duchovny as an author (and not just because I think he's a bloody gorgeous and extremely talented actor...). His writing is daring and I just loved it!!! I found myself full of laughter throughout this book. 

Favorite Quote from the Book:

"So I guess it's not so important that dreams come true, it's just important that you have a dream to begin with, to get you to take your first steps."

I listened to this on Audible and absolutely adored David Duchovny's narration of his work. I think every book should be narrated by Duchovny #justsaying ;)



post signature

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty | Book Review



Pure, sinister, dark and riveting excellence! 

This is a book about a bunch of kindergarden mothers and the scandal in their lives! 

What I had originally thought was a thriller turned out to be so much more! While this book is a murder mystery it isn't 'scary; besides the scariness of reality. Each character has instability and a situation in their life that could happen to any one of us... the characters were so enjoyable and easy to relate to - they seemed like almost real people to me. 

This is a book that really keeps you guessing! Going into this book we know that someone has been murdered but we have no idea who the victim is nor do we know who the murderer is. This book was fascinating, the plot and format is so creatively done. I loved the interviews with the sideline characters at the beginning and ends of most of the chapters, discussing the events leading up to the incident. 

The writing was absolutely fantastic and so descriptive. The story was incredibly mysterious and unputdownable. Even Stephen King had fabulous things to say about Liane Moriarty's, Big Little Lies!

It covers many elements such as domestic violence, rape, bullying and the effects of social media. It makes us realise as a reader just how sickening and fake our online lives can possibly be and how we are all far too concerned about what others think of us. 
As serious as this book is, it throws humour in right where it is needed to give you a bit of a break from all of the motherly drama this book entails. The humour isn't overdone either. It is perfect. The entire book is perfect! PERFECTION.

Every character was so complex! I loved how we got to know each one and their back stories. 

I must admit that there were a few things I found quite predictable in this book but on the contrary there was so much that was so Unpredictable that it really didn't matter to me. 

There's a quote concerning the domestic violence featured in this book that I really want to share and briefly talk about:

"She wanted to let him know that at least one person here today understood all the mistakes he'd made along the way: the times he hit back, the times he stayed when he should have left, the times he gave her another chance, the times he deliberately antagonised her, the times he let his children see things they shouldn't see. She wanted to tell him she knew all the perfect little lies he'd told himself for all those years, because she'd told herself the same lies."

Unless you have personally been in an abusive relationship it really is so hard to understand. If your friends and family know you are in one and you don't just walk away, they judge you a lot of the time. They don't see how hard it can be to cut those ties. They don't see how there is still feelings involved.. feelings and fear and so much more that is so hard to explain but Moriarty did it perfectly. That aspect of this book REALLY hit a nerve with me. I related whole-heartedly and it was so very real and scary to understand Celeste's character as much as I did. 

This book was just... WOW. I loved it. Now for the mini series featuring Nicole Kidman, Reece Witherspoon and Laura Dern :)

post signature

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Day #9: 30 Day Writing Challenge

Post some words of wisdom that speak to you:

This could not have come at a better time..... last night when I was having yet another night alone (as always these days) I started watching some videos on youtube about how to walk away from toxic relationships. The entire video was extremely insightful and helpful but something stood out more-so than everything else combined:

"If you're falling asleep next to somebody every night but yet you still feel alone, why not rather be alone?"


That one question changed my perspective on everything. 

The same woman also spoke about how she found a journal her brother had written in the day before he died and the entry was so sad. He had been miserable in life. 
My own journal for literally every day of 2017 so far is filled with 25 pages of sadness, anger, pain and confusion. I am miserable too..... and I realised last night that if I die, I don't want to nothing but a morbid journal to remember me by. I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy. So you have to choose for yourself....

One day or day one. 
You decide. 







post signature

Monday, January 23, 2017

Day #8: 30 Day Writing Challenge

Share something you struggle with:



I struggle with all of my insecurities right now. 
I struggle to find peace in my mind and happiness in my soul. 
It's gone. 
I struggle to find myself in this dark place I have wound up in. 
I have lost myself. 
The confident, secure, happy, independent woman I was a year ago has vanished. 
I want me back - but I can't find my way. 
I don't know whether to go left or right. 
I'm standing at the turning point getting whiplash from looking at two such opposite directions.
Which one do I choose? 
I can't keep standing at the T-junction. 
I am embarrassing myself. 
I'm making a fool of myself. 
I'm holding up the traffic. 
I'm so torn. 
So lost. 
I don't think I have ever been so broken. 


post signature

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Day #7: 30 Day Writing Callenge

List 10 Songs You Are Loving Right Now:

If it isn't clear to you already - there are a lot of demons I am facing in my life right now. Music is my way of relating, expressing and understanding myself and my troubles. I won't lie - I am depressed. Almost to the extent where I feel like turning to someone for help, but I won't do that. I have fought depression alone before and I will again. I will be OK again. 
People often say they are depressed. I truly don't think the majority of people who say that know what they mean. They don't. 
Depression is a scary, dark place. You are alone - but you don't want company. You see food, but you can't it even when your stomach grumbles. You smile, but it hurts from how fake it. It's like your face is shattering more-so than you're spreading happiness. It doesn't feel right. 
You see people and try to mask your emotions - but it is impossible. People can feel your energy. You can see them being brought down by the weight of you. You feel tiny, even if you are proportionally a big person. You feel pathetic and selfish for spending so much of your time wallowing in self-pity, but you can't help it. 
You want to a better person, you try... but you fail. You are worthless and useless to yourself. You feel feel bad when your loved ones ask how you are because you cannot tell them the truth anymore. Maybe at first it was fine to share your problems and sadness with them... but after weeks or months of the same shit... you feel like they will become bored you. So you lie. You tell them you are fine. But you're not. .... and you don't think you will ever be fine again. Not really. 
You are broken. 

*

Lyrics mean everything to me. A song needs a melody to be complete - but I am not connected to many songs at all without being able to relate to the lyrics.

There is one song that happens to be without lyrics that I could listen to on repeat for hours and hours though.

This one:

Ludovico Einaudi - Nuvole Bianche


I have read books while listening to that song, I have wept while listening to that song, I felt love and hate and pain and anguish and fear all while listening to this song. It portrays all emotions to me. 
It is a phenomenal piece of music, one that doesn't need lyrics to be understood.

Then we have: 
Missy Higgins - Where I Stood



There is so much in the lyrics to this song that sums up how I feel right now. From the very first verse - I was connected and relating whole-heartedly. 


"I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun..."

I don't know what I've done with my life recently. I don't know if the choices I made were the right ones. I don't know if I've wasted my time or damaged myself beyond repair. I don't know if I like what has happened and where I have ended up. I don't. There is so much uncertainty in my world and coursing through my soul right now.

"Something told me to run and honey you know me, it's all or none."

I felt the irresistible urge to run from my life in South Africa.... and I did. In the space of hours I changed my entire life - gave up so much and fled. I created this new life for myself...

"Cuz I don't know who I am, who I am without you. All I know is that I should. And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you. All I know is that I should."

I don't know who I am without my partner. I don't. I've always been a relationship person, always. I have always dedicated myself fully and tried everything and anything to make it work. I give up so much and I have sacrificed so much of my life and independence for relationships. It has lead to so much regret - and I don't want regret in my life.
I can't handle the thought of someone else with the person I love - although it is too late for that really, isn't it? He had his hands and his mind all over so many other women while with me. While living with me. 

"Cuz she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood."

Someone else would love you more. They would make you happy. I can't any longer. How can you love and forgive and forget so much? Something so bad? It has broken me. You even tell me you've learned your lesson and you'd never cheat on a woman again because you see how much hurt you put me through....... and it makes me think that all I have ever been in a messenger to you. A lesson. My heart didn't matter in this situation. My heart never seems to matter in any situation though, does it???

"You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all..."

True. So true. I fucking hate that it is so true. 


Of Monsters and Men - Organs


"I am sorry this is always how it goes"

"I never changed a single colour that I breathe."

"I am tired of letting it all in."

"I should not care but I don't know how."


Everything reminds me of how it all went wrong. It all does. I can't do anything or see anything anymore without being reminded. Without hurting. I can't.

"I don't want to stay in the dark."

But how do I get out of the dark?
How???

Jake Bugg - Simple Pleasures


The chorus of this song gets me every single time.....
Wow. 

"How in hell can I be safe from this sudden fear of change? This sudden fear is strange...."

I've never feared change before. But I do now. It is strange. I don't feel safe. I don't feel good.... not at all.

"And maybe it's all that you've done wrong so just bite your silver tongue that you lied with... lied to yourself."

Maybe this is all happening because of my past and the things I have done that don't make me seem like the best person... I have fucked up. I have made mistakes. I have hurt others.. Maybe it's karma, karma sinking its teeth in ten times deeper....

The melody of this song in particular strikes such a sensitive chord in me. This melody is something special...

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down 



An angry one.... when I'm feeling anger and frustration this is my go to song.

"Do you feel like a man when you push her around, do you feel better now she falls to the ground?"

Do I need to explain this one? 

"You cry alone and he swears he loves you."

Does this one need an explanation either? No... not really. The lyrics to this song speak for themselves.

"As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found."

I am not there yet. The lies are crumbling all around me, more and more every single day... I'm struggling to find the new life though. The better life. I'm still searching. 

"If you wade around forever you will surely drown..." 

I'm getting exhausted. I am going to drown soon.

"ONE DAY SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH!!!!"

I will. I will. I will. 

Evanescence - My Immortal



"These wounds won't seem to heal, the pain is just too real. There's just so much that time cannot erase."

Wow..... just that one sentence sums up everything I feel right now. Everything I have always felt... from when I was a kid and my dad would get violent after a bottle of whiskey. From when I was twelve (?) and David destroyed my life in a way I will never be able to repair it... from when people were so not accepting of me at school and at church and when I couldn't make friends. When I was alone. When boyfriends cheated and lied and hit and hurt. When I fiddled with recreational drugs and fucked my life up for years entering into a dark world it took years more to come out from.. from everything. That sentence in My Immortal means the world to me. It is the truth of my life.

Good Charlotte - Emotionless 


For once (haha) these lyrics relate to my father not my partner. My father, the only other man that managed to break me like no one else ever could, not even my partner.. the only man I love so deeply and look up to so much and consider my hero even after our horrible past as father and daughter. It took me a long time to forgive him for the violence and rage... but I did. It will always haunt me.... it will always be there.... but my dad means the world to me and this song will forever break my heart as once upon a time when that violence was still around, I'd listen to this song and I was sure it was how we would end up.

"You broke my mothers heart, you broke your children for life..."
Cold, honest truth. My family has been through so much heartache and pain. My mother and brother could forgive him so much more easily than I could - I always wondered how. I am a hard person... when you hurt me, i build a wall and it takes YEARS to break it down again. Years. I learned my lesson long ago to not forgive easily because if you do, bad shit will keep happening. Be hard. Be strong. Be alone and no one can hurt you. 

"The scars run deep inside this tattooed body..."

And now I have a tattoo on my foot just for you, dad. Because I did forgive you, eventually. I have countless other tattoos too and they are all scars, really. They are all stories from problems i have overcome.... hardships i have faced.. they are reminders of how strong i can be.

"Sometimes, I'll forgive and this time I'll admit you that I miss you...."

This is so true. Even when my father or partner have done the worst to me... there is a soft part of me hidden beneath the blackness coating my heart that does miss them... that does want to forgive. 


Simple Plan - Untitled



"And I can't stand the pain.. and i can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain."

The pain really is too much sometimes.

 "How did this happen to me? I made my mistakes, got no where to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life, I just wanna scream."

The other night I found myself out on the streets past midnight with a suitcase packed and no where to go. No money to go anywhere with. After a year of a life in a foreign country I have nothing to show for it. Not one thing. 
I am fading away. I stepped onto a scale today and I have lost almost 5kgs.... that is a lot for someone as small as I am already. I'm scared. I do want to scream. I am sick of this life, I am frustrated.
WHY is it so hard to find happiness?????

Simple Plan - Welcome to my Life



EVERY word to this song describes how I feel. Every single verse. I cannot pinpoint one particular thing, it's everything rolled into one. Rolled into a song. It was written for me, I swear it. 

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what its like to be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what its like
Welcome to my life
Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over


Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending


"You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say, they tell you I'm difficult.. but so are they. But they don't know me. Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me, all the shit that you do???"

Boom, Simon. Boom. On point with the lyrics here. 

I bite my tongue for so many months... feeling and almost knowing there was something wrong.... something bad. You were lying. You were cheating. You were disrespecting the fuck out of me... but whenever I asked you told me i was seeing things. You made me question my own sanity when I was right all along. 
So now these lyrics are  what I relate to. They are how I express myself and how I get by day by day. 
Listening to these lyrics makes me feel like others have been in a dark place like me right now. It makes me feel like maybe one day I will get past it. 

I will. I will. I will. 




post signature

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Day #6: 30 Day Writing Challenges

5 Ways to Win My Heart:

  1. Surprises. A flower on my windshield, a dress laid out on the bed with a note telling me to be ready at 8pm, a book I've been wanting for ages, a whole day planned for us to enjoy together... it could be the simplest of things. I just want to see an effort to want to surprise me - without me needing to think or hint....
  2. Coffee in bed... you won't be able to speak to me in the morning without this.... be warned.
  3. Loyalty. Look at me and think of me as the only girl in the world in your eyes. I hate cheaters. I hate wondering eyes. It hurts. Its disrespectful. Its one way to make me close off to you in a heartbeat.
  4. Be proud of me... hold my hand in public. Give me cuddles. Want a picture with me if we're out and about doing something cool. Call me your girlfriend when introducing me to people.... speak highly of me... it goes such a long way to make me feel good about myself.... 
  5. Be playful. Tickle, tackle, laugh, joke, play twister and scrabble and Heads Up and just have FUN with me... do things that help us bond and connect.... there is nothing that makes me happier than laughing with the guy I love.




post signature

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Day #4: 30 Day Writing Challenge

List 5 places you want to visit:

I'm not counting my aforementioned fantasies of Bali as I have already been there... 
No, this is a list of places I have yet to visit but one day most certainly will. 

  1. Ireland (Sexy Irish Accents.... Can't Resist.... Yes my reasons for wanting to visit Ireland seem shallow.. they actually do stem deeper than that but I'm knackered and can't really be arsed to write much today.... so much for a writing challenge!)
  2. India (Yoga / Meditation / Silence Retreats, Culture, Spirituality, Self-Growth!)
  3. Canada (Snowboard!)
  4. Machu Pichu, Peru (Hike!)
  5. Iceland (to see the Northern Lights, Glacier Caves)

I also really want to go to a hot air balloon festival. Going in a hot air balloon is so high up on my bucket list... I'm still deciding where best to treat myself to this little excursion. Turkey, perhaps???

PS today was a good day playing in the snow in Mallorca, Spain. Adios, for now.





post signature

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Day #4: 30 Day Writing Challenge

Write about someone who inspires you:

Took myself on a 5k walk yesterday while listening to The Great Gatsby.
"Fill your life with adventures, not things. Have stories to tell not things to show."

I really don't mean to sound pretentious here, but I hardly ever think about people who inspire me.  
It must be a bad thing to not have someone that you look up to in life. The people close to me and around me haven't exactly been role models through the years... whatever I have wanted, I have gone after for myself. The majority of people are usually telling me I can't do something and I decide then and there to prove them wrong. I don't feed off of anyone else, some grand person to build myself off of. I've quite literally always kicked myself from the nest and built my own wings on the way down. I guess in that sense I could say thank you to all of those people who have told me I 'can't do it,' here. I could thank them for giving me the drive to show them I can.

I got laughed at when I told my family I wanted to study law; then changed tack and decided I wanted to be a surgeon. Both fields fascinated me greatly... yet it seemed all I was to them was a pretty face. They told me modelling would be a better fit... but it seemed I couldn't do that either because I was too short. When I decided I wanted to open up my own Writers Cafe and Bookshop, a quirky dainty store that smells of roasted coffee beans with steaming mugs of unique blends delivered artfully to your table on a tree trunk tray while the soft sound of jazz oozed peacefully from the record player positioned in the corner on the old hardwood floors - I was told it would never happen. I'd never have the money to do it. "Stop dreaming, Jade." I was told... but I am a dreamer. A dreamer that managed to hammer three novels out of my heart and onto pages upon pages that will one day be bound into a book and published. Books that will one day be snuggled up between other books in their genre in bookstores... and in my own bookstore too. The independent one I will one day open. 
I will never be a settled soul. I am restless, I have ambitions and dreams that no one thinks will ever happen. I know people laugh at me and my ways - but that makes me pity them. Their passion and drive has faded into nothingness. 



So I guess what I have to say is that I inspire myself, whether you find that pretentious or not I actually couldn't care less - I inspire myself for being a dreamer. For making things happen... even if the process is slow. 

I know what I want and I'm going for it, one step at a time.

I also deeply admire two souls that I feel are so alike to mine... Christopher McCandless and Cheryl Strayed (and if you don't know who they are then get your arse to a bookstore and buy both Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer (my favorite book ever written) and Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Maybe then you will understand me more.)
Namaste.


post signature