Thursday, September 21, 2017

Meaning of Semicolon Tattoo

My body is my canvas.... and yesterday I added to my personal, walking art collection.
I am my own gallery of meanings.

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A rather handsome tattooist named Baden graciously offered me a bottle of wine while he got to work with Fleetwood Mac oozing from the speakers in the background last night.

I got 3 new tats - and it was a struggle to force myself not to get more once we'd got started!

These are the ones I did get though:

The Semicolon Tattoo
Meaning: A semicolon is a powerful tattoo for those of us who have ever battled with mental health... whether it be depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts or addiction. 
A semicolon, simply put, means you could have stopped but you chose to carry on. 
It is an inspiring symbolic representation of your strength for not giving up.

The viking symbol for creating your own reality (thumb tattoo)
Meaning: You could interpret this tattoo however you like, really. For me, it is a tattoo for writers. I am a writer... and as a writer we create our own worlds / realities for our novels all the time. It is a representation of my passion for writing and immersing myself into it.

Thigh Quote Tattoo for Women 

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Meaning: I find thigh quote tattoos, if done daintily, stunning on women. Find a quote that means something to you or reminds you of someone you have love or lost. 
This tattoo on my thigh isn't for anyone else but me, though.
It says:

"She is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot exist."

I love it. 

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The top of the thigh tattoo had some pretty painful moments when Baden was busy but the tattoo that hurt the most this time around was DEFINITELY the semicolon on my finger. It was right on that joint! The smallest tattoo of them all yet the most painful!

The things we do to ourselves :)

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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Night Terrors, Sleep Walking, Hormone Imbalance and Changing Your Life

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I've started to get night terrors again.

In the past, I've always had someone next to me to grab me by the shoulders, calm me down and soothe me back to sleep. Now, I have no one. It was my very first experience of dealing with it alone. On Monday night I fell asleep early, around 8pm. I curled into bed with my hot water bottle by my feet and was grateful that a hard day was coming to an end. I'd resigned from my job... tears had been shed. I'd made the big decision to leave Cape Town where I had tried so hard to build a life for myself. A huge part of me felt (feels) like a failure. So needless to say, I was exhausted, falling into a quick, dreamless slumber. Then, suddenly, I shot up in bed... heart hammering out of my chest, gasping for breath. I was literally terrified. Even today, I can't quite figure out what I was doing but I think I thought there was something in the bed with me. I started throwing the blankets around, looking for 'something.' When I couldn't find it I chucked the bedding completely off the bed, ran across the flat to the lights, near blinded myself as I smacked the switch and charged back to my bed where I continued to search for whatever it was I was searching for. Then I saw my hot water bottle and I think that's the moment I really woke up - even though I remember the entire freak out, I was asleep. It was a bit like sleep walking, I suppose. I stared dumbly at the water bottle and asked myself, 'What are you looking for, Jade?' and I couldn't answer the question. Perturbed and confused I slowed my breathing, checked the time (11pm) before meandering across my flat. I let the room fall into darkness again, feeling my way around the coffee table and set-up tripod, allowing myself to sink back into my minimalist mattress on the floor and float back off to sleep.

I've realized my night terrors only ever resurface when there is an overwhelming amount of turmoil in my life. Even when I sleep, my mind cannot shut down and ease the panic. A clear sign that things in my life need to change... and change, they are.

The last week or two have been a whirlwind: 
From finally being comfortable being single and alone (actually rather enjoying it, too!). 
To hearing my ex tell me he's miserable without me and wanting to try again. 
To me (silly, silly me) agreeing to give it another shot. 
To experiencing severe symptoms of a hormone imbalance (fatigue, depression, acne, mood swings / irritability, night sweats and poor sleep patterns, weight gain, anxiety) due to negligence with my contraceptive pill which inevitably turned me not only into a walking pimple but also a complete psychotic wreck that completely mucked things up with aforementioned ex who has now turned into the ex.... again. To me having an absolute breakdown and running home to my family in Knysna for a few days where I re-cooperated. 
To breaking down again when I had to come back to Cape Town and face reality. 
To returning to work where I sat my boss down and announced my resignation. 
To breaking down AGAIN because although I am lonely and unhappy in Cape Town, my job (and my flat) are the two things I really love about it here. 
To realizing that gone are the days of flower deliveries for me when a man rang the bell at work clutching a bouquet of Proteas meant for someone else. 
To finally seeing that right now, for me, it is best to be alone as scary as that is... because I need to mend a very broken heart right now. So no more boys. None. Not one. For as long as it takes. I won't become a bitter crazy cat lady, cynical of love and stinking of stale wine... my heart IS open. It's the one amazing thing I have discovered about myself recently. I am ready to fall in love, to trust and to be happy... I wasn't before. Before, I was still too scared. Now, my heart truly is open.
This leads me to the final TO in this paragraph......... 
To deciding to take a year off work now that I have absolutely nothing to lose and nothing to stay for.   

It is time to regather myself. Pick up the pieces of my battered heart, dust off my passport and collect some more stamps for its pages.

Image may contain: 1 person, close-upIt is also time to fill the pages of my latest novel. So in this year off I am flying to Bali once I figure out the best way to deal with the visa situation... and I am going to write the first draft of my new book. By the end of 2018 or the beginning of 2019, I will be sending my thriller novel to agents for consideration and I believe something good is going to come from all of this. I believe in my writing. I believe in this leap of faith. I have to, because if I don't, I'm going into things with the wrong mindset. I don't want to think things like, 'what if by the end of this year of writing a book it doesn't get picked up by an agent!?' I want to believe that it will. I have faith in it. And you know what?? I may not be making money in this year of not working while I focus on my writing and healing my heart / soul, but I am making the TIME to do something I truly want to do while I have the opportunity and the means to do it. So I am proud of myself. I am ready. 

Otherwise, I just had to purchase a new inhaler as my chest has been getting tighter and tighter with all of this building anxiety. It's funny, but as dramatic as it sounds, this heartbreak is making it hard to breathe... to be. So one day my hope is that breathing will be effortless again. One day, I will be OK.

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Monday, September 18, 2017

Life Update

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Why Not?

It's funny... no... it's SCARY just how much your life can change in such a short amount of time.
At the beginning of this month when Lyndon wanted to meet up, I was nervous about what he was going to say. He made me the happiest girl in the world by telling me he's miserable without me and he wanted to try again. We had 6 days after that... 6 days of pure bliss.. Of cuddles, kisses, adventures with penguins, nights in with nandos and red wine, laughing throughout games on his Xbox. I was so happy. I fell more in love than ever before. Things just felt right. Then, me being me, I went and cocked it all up.

The horrible thing is that I really don't believe that it was my fault. I've got a major hormone imbalance right now. Some of the big symptoms are irritability / mood swings, night sweats, acne, fatigue (I mean, on our first weekend back together I was too tired to join him at his friends birthday BBQ), and depression.
It was Sunday... we were at a wine farm finishing off the most wonderful day together in which he even surprised me with the cutest little beaded penguin (it really is the small things...). I brought something up that was bothering me. I only ever intended to talk... to work through it with good communication... but this fight erupted. The result of our combined stubbornness and my crazy hormone imbalance. I hate my body for making me lose the one thing I was so serious about it life... but it's done now. Never again. Unless it's happened to you, you'll never understand the feeling of the person you love pushing you away when you try to hug them.
I cannot subject myself to that amount of heartache again. He doesn't want me anymore. He's had enough.

It's finally made me realise that in the future if I do ever want a happy, lasting relationship I need to make some serious changes. I have such a temper and I know how irrational I can be. I am excruciatingly stubborn and yes, I do drink too much.
I really need to work on myself now... not on a relationship that already failed once.
You should never go back to finding happiness where you already lost it.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, so that is going to be my focus. I am not happy in Cape Town. I don't know anyone. I'm lonely. I'm stuck in almost 2 hours traffic every day...

Once again I moved somewhere for a guy, like I did with Spain for Simon. I will not allow myself to make that mistake again. That said, it is time for me to do something for myself. Put 'me' before everyone else for once. So today, as daunting as it is, I'm resigning from my job. Next month I'm flying to Bali to start my new chapter... or better put, my new book. Literally and figuratively.

I am petrified, but when you have nothing left to lose you need to ask yourself the question... Why Not?
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