Sunday, September 30, 2018

Catch Up

Hello world. 

How long it's been.

I'm amazed that it's been about nine months since I have written on this blog. I guess at first booktube took over my life. I enjoyed updating you all on the books I was reading and the life I was living through video. It's a fabulous way to feel more personal with you all. I never thought I would completely abandon my blog, a page I have been writing on for more years than I can count. But I haven't been writing at all. I finished the first draft of my latest novel entitled 'It Was You' and after that, I have taken a hiatus from writing anything other than short and useless Facebook updates. That is the extent of my writing career these days. How sad. 

So let us catch up.

The move to Australia to be with my Tinder match (and now love of my life), was as hard as you could possibly imagine. 

I started out looking like that picture of me in the glorious red bikini. 

And have since gained more kilograms than I care to admit. 
Of course I have been happy with my man. He treats me like no one else ever has. I have finally found a real gentleman. The way he looks at me, touches me and treats me is more than I could ever ask for. I finally know what it feels like to be truly loved and respected. 
I KNOW he would never cheat on me, hit me, hurt me or put me down. He is everything I could ever ask for and more. 
But I have to admit being away from my friends and family has been hard. A lot harder than in Spain because this time it truly feels like it's forever. I guess a part of me always knew Simon and Spain was always temporary. I know that now even though back then I couldn't see past it. When you get cheated on with eight other women and beaten and kicked when you're down, you become a version of yourself so weak and so downright disgusting it is difficult to dig yourself out of that rut. The self-confidence is shattered, the zest for life has shriveled. Mark has helped bring that back out in me BUT I have realised that I have put my complete self into my relationship with Mark and have given absolutely no space to be me.... to make my own life... and I need to do that. And lately that is what I have been doing and it has been making me feel so thrilled and alive.
I have my man. 
But I also have myself. 

I've finally stopped letting the anxiety and the panic, the self doubt and the awful voice in my head stop controlling my life. I've been putting myself out there. I have been meeting like-minded people, making friends, eating healthier, starting to SLOWLY run... burn off some of those kilograms I gained in the months leading up to the moment of taking my life back.

I have read 70 books this year. I have started a bookish podcast and I have been fueling my life with my passions. I am happy.

Australia is never somewhere I envisioned myself being. I didn't have a dream to be here. I didn't find Australia particularly fascinating... yet it is here I have been able to really and truly learn myself. I have started seeing a psychologist about my anxiety and my trust issues. About my past of being hurt and beaten and raped and abused not only physically but mentally too. It's been a long and slippery slope. But friends, I am doing it. I have been able to dress up and let my hair down. I've gone dancing and haven't let anxiety get the better of me. I have made friends, some of which I really feel care for me and will be with me no matter what for the rest of my life. 

I'm not quite writing again yet but I am going to. I have so many ideas swirling around in my chaotic head. They will be set free soon.

But for now I wanted to tell you about my venture. My new business... my everything.

My bookish podcast, Books and Booze. 

It has been an incredible journey  setting it up, learning how to start a podcast and learning the ropes. I have been researching and getting educated on a world so far from what I'm used to. Technology.
I've learnt how to edit using Audacity. I've started taking my Goodreads book reviews to the next level and talking ABOUT them and sharing my thoughts with hundreds to soon to be thousands of listeners. I have been trying out Libsyn as my podcast host and so far it has all been so much easier than I ever thought it would be. It's not easy breezy but what I'm saying is GO for what you want. Make it happen. You ARE capable of achieving what you want. 

I hope to be back soon, but if I'm not which is probably just as likely... just know I am doing well and living my best possible life.

I hope you are too. 

Jade - September 2018





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Jade